David's grandma died today. She was 95. She's had progressive Alzheimer's for a few years and has had many heath issues for the past couple. She was a tough cookie and was always good to all of us. To hear the troll tell it though, she was a heinous bitch. I don't think I remember her ever saying anything nice about her mother in 21 years. And let me tell you... that woman went through some SHIT. She had a daughter a few years before the troll who was severely mentally retarded. Her name was Pat & she was born in the 1930's. EVERYONE told great gammy to put Pat in an institution... that she'd never be anything but a vegetable... but gg wouldn't hear of it. Pat eventually grew to have the mentality of about a 4 year old, and gg took care of her full-time... ALONE... until she was in her 80's. Even after she had to place her in a home, she still brought Pat home to stay with her every weekend until Pat died 8 or 9 years ago. She also buried a son and 2 husbands. Yeah.... serious shit.
Maybe 5 years ago or so, the troll decided that her mother had to move to Florida and live with her and the cactus. She didn't want to go... she was still living on her own in New York, and was even the one of all of her friends that still drove, so she took everyone to their appointments, etc. It was clear though, that it would be much more convenient for those 2 scumbags, if she was close by. I always felt so sad for her... they never took her anywhere or did anything with her. She just sat. Out on the patio she sat... alone. It was awful. I don't remember when they moved her into a full-care facility... it was during the cancer years, so big shocker that I don't know exactly when that happened. She was SO much happier there.... people actually spoke to her, there were activities every day, and she had her own apartment again, but was surrounded by friendly people. David went down there to visit her a couple of times and said how thrilled he was that they finally let her be happy. Ugh.
For many, many years, David had a hard time believing the stuff I told him the troll had said to me. She was always nasty... always rude... and made sure to insult me every chance she got. But... she never did it where anyone else could hear her.... just me. Nice. She eventually started getting bolder though, and even he could see what a flat out mean person she was. The cactus had never hidden what an asshole he was... nope. He was always up front about that. David really started to wrestle with what to do about the situation. Even though he himself was a hard-ass in so many ways, he was never able to stand up to his parents. He definitely started to get the memo that they were just plain toxic, and the troll herself drove that one home in 2007. I remember it like it was yesterday... we were having a dinner party on the 3rd of July. A bunch of people were here that night, including Hank (the SDSI CEO) and his wife Karen. I don't know how the parental units wrangled an invitation, but I do remember that David regretted having them over even before they arrived.
Most everyone was outside by the pool noshing on appetizers, and I ran up to the kitchen to do a couple things. The troll was in there & that's when Hank & Karen arrived. They had never met D's parents, and Karen stayed in the kitchen to chat for a few minutes. Out of nowhere, the troll launched into this hideous diatribe about her mother... that she was living with them & how inconvenient it was... on and on she went. One thing she said has been permanently etched into my memory.... "I just hope she dies soon... I certainly didn't retire so I could spend my time taking care of my mother." OH. MY. GOD. I was HORRIFIED. She'd said things like that to me a million times before... but in front of Karen???? I was the one who wanted to die at that moment.
After everyone had left and I told D what she had said, he positively FLIPPED. That was it for him... he was DONE. We didn't see them again until Christmas that year, and after that fiasco, he decided it was time to cut them out of our lives. They were in Florida mostly though, so we didn't really have to address it... but then he started getting sick in March, was diagnosed in April, and that was the end of that.
I'm sad that great gammy spent so many years being treated like nothing but a big problem, but I am happy that she spent her final couple of years in a beautiful place with people that made her happy. I also feel good knowing that we were always good to her. We never missed a chance to make a big deal about her birthday, always sent her pictures of the kids, took her out to dinner, etc. She enjoyed being here, and we enjoyed having her.
Chris took Reilly, Patrick and Lexi to a University of Maryland lacrosse game today. They had just gotten back when he got the call from the troll, so he ran upstairs to tell me. He was going on and on about his "poor mom" and how she'd said she wished she "could go 6 months without having to deal with death". Gimme a fuckin' break. First of all, David died almost NINE months ago, and exactly how is it that she had to deal with that??? I signed all of the paperwork at the hospital. I released his body to the funeral home. I identified his body. I planned the funeral. I planned the celebration of life. I wrote his obituary. I cleaned out his bachelor pad. And I'M the one who still has to deal with the fallout EVERY FUCKING DAY. Oh wait... she made a phone call to the caterer and ordered food for the reception after the funeral. I forgot. Wow... that must have been tough.
I flat out told Chris not to feel bad for his mom, since she had been hoping her mother would die for more years than I could remember. I even relayed the choice little dinner party story for him, and he said "yeah, that sounds like something my dad would say." Yeah, well it wasn't your dad... it was your MOM. And maybe it makes me sound like a horrible person, but I don't feel badly for her. Yes, she lost a son, she lost her mom... for anyone else on this earth, I would have some comapassion. Unfortunately, I know all too well that this 'person' doesn't possess a single shred of humanity. My guess is that she feels nothing. Maybe relief, but that's it.
I told ya... feeling pretty dark. Sorry. That's the way it is.
S
Great Gammy & Rory, July 2004
I am very sorry to hear about David's grandmother. I do remember you writing about his visit to her. I know from watching my parents care for my grandmother that it is often challenging but to actually wish someone would die so it would be "easier" for you? Wow. Not surprising though, but sad. Does she think it was always easy for her mom to raise her? How about about paying it back. That's what civilized people do. We care for our aging parents or when they need help. But I forgot, the troll is not civilized.
ReplyDeleteHope Finn is back soon!
aot
r~
Sorry for yet another loved one passing. I hope the boys can cope, expecially Rory. You were so sweet to her.
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