Hey peeps... clearly I'm still in the funk... couldn't even write yesterday. I feel completely stuck... can't go back... not moving forward. The pile of scary mail looms again... the propane tank is almost empty... I've got lawyers calling me every day in reference to David's debts... and I can't find a fuckin' job to save my life. The cherry on top of the sundae is that the reality and enormity of David's death is knocking the wind out of me. I still don't understand why this is happening now... all I know is that it's freaking me out. A Prius just like Davids' drove by me the other day and I let out an audible gasp. What the FUCK??? He got rid of that car more than a year before he died, but when that one came near me, I had one millisecond where I thought it was him. I know... crazy. Maybe it's because I'm in the process of transcribing our text conversations... I can actually hear his voice in his words. Is it just me???? Can you believe that he's dead??? If I had any shred of my mind left, I'm very clearly losing it now. Great.
Switching gears... HUMONGOID thanks to my girl Kathryn for ONCE AGAIN, saving the day. :0) She offered to let Leilei try on some of Hannah's old soccer cleats. Hannah is a freshman and is not tiny... she's a tall girl. But get this... Leighanna, who is 6 1/2, wears the same size as she does!!! Ridonculous!!! Super bonus? The cleats are white with pink laces. :0) Leilei was thrilled. Thank you Kathryn... you're an angel!!! Of course, they're also very nice leather cleats... just like the kind we used to get Reilly. I remember going all the way to McLean to this soccer specialty store to get all of his gear. I know, big whoop, right? But these are the things I think about as I'm digging through the pile at Walmart looking for the last pair of $5 pee wee soccer socks. Good thing Rory doesn't give a toss... he was thrilled with his Walmart cleats. Thank God. I also scored at 5 Below and got each of them a new soccer ball... yep... for 5 bucks each. Sweet.
They had a great first practice. Rory was SO happy to be back on the field and Leighanna really did a great job. You'd never know that it was her first time playing, and she didn't seem to be the least bit bothered that she is the only girl on the team. Of course, I was in such a rush to get out of the house to make sure we were on time that I forgot my damn camera. Shit. I always have it in my purse, but I did go exchange the one I got a couple weeks ago for a new one, so it was plugged into the charger. Oh well.... plenty of soccer practices ahead.
This week is an ultra busy one, as far as sports go. Reilly has two games... tomorrow night at 7:15 and Thursday at 6. I guess that means I'd better start packing for the weekend TODAY. Still trying to figure out how to be at 2 places at a time... Rory's support group starts back up on Thursday from 5:30-6:30 at the hospital in Lansdowne... the game is at 6 in Purcellville. Blarg! Need a Shan clone!
I'm heading over to Michael's to get some poster-making supplies. There are going to be 50 of us from The Grief Relief Team at the finish line when Rory finishes his run. I want our group to be decked out with posters for the kid. :0) He doesn't know it yet, but he'll be getting a medal at the finish. He's gonna FLIP. That kid LUVVVVES him some medals. More good news on the race day front... I was worried about what to do with Rory during the 10k. Most people doing the race are locals, so they bring someone along to watch the kids while they run. Ruh roh... no one extra in our crew. CZC has a specially designated Cheer Zone & the kids are welcome there, but there aren't any adults that can be responsible for watching them. I was talking about it with my friend Tanya... we have yet to actually meet, but our kids were at camp the same weekend and we've been talking constantly since then. Her son Reese was in Rory's Healing Circle, and her daughter Amanda was in Reilly's. I think I mentioned her before... she's the one who's husband was a State Trooper & died last October during a routine dive team training exercise... SCUBA gear malfunction... nightmare. Anyhoo.... she is going to have a 50-strong crew of state troopers cheering her on, so Reese & Rory will basically have their own security detail. :0) Coooool.
More good race news.... we have officially reached our team goal of $5000.00.... we'll be sponsoring an ENTIRE Healing Circle... AWESOME!!! We certainly don't have a problem with raising even more though, so if you'd still like to donate, please do.
Gots to go. Hoping for a better day. Love & smooches to you all.
xoxo
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Wow! Quite a feat. Good job. Put on your resume.
ReplyDelete"AND IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT A TRIM 129LBS, FIGHTING IN PINK TRUNKS, SHE TAKES ALL COMERS, CANCER, LAWYERS, BANKS, IN-LAWS, TEENAGERS, AND EVEN WAL-MART, WITH ENDLESS TKO'S, THE IRISH SKINNY FROM VIRGINNIE.........S-H-A-N-N-O-N "A-S-S-K-I-C-K-A" S-T-R-E-I-G-H-T!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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