Wow. Yesterday turned out to be a real motherfucker. I fell back down the rabbit hole a bit & ended up in a seriously shitty place. I think I had WAY too much time alone in the car to think. It also doesn't help that I've been ignoring the death biz. Sometimes I HAVE to, just to retain the wee bit of sanity I have left... but the biz keeps piling up. I spent the ENTIRE day today dealing with banks, the loan mod, the boys sports and my hideous stack of scary mail. Let's just say, I'm fuckin' exhausted.
Yep... went to the Parent Liaison at Rei's school to see if they could waive his sports fee. She said they've done it before, but would have to talk to the athletic director and get back to me. I haven't heard yet. Then I went to LYSA (Rory's soccer org) and had to beg them for a scholarship. Awesome. I had to write a hardship letter and fill out all kinds of extra shit. There's some board that meets over the next few days to decide who gets scholarships. I sure as fuck hope they choose us. I made sure to mention in my letter that David was a volunteer coach for LYSA for a few years while Reilly played, and he was even the Western Loudoun Coordinator for 2 seasons... fingers crossed. Yep. Completely humiliating. But not quite as bad as telling Reilly that our tv service is being shut off this week. He was actually very cool about it, but it made me feel like shit. I'll be getting another shut-off notice from the electric company this week. Sweet. I'll be giving them just enough to keep it on... meanwhile, the balance due grows.
Finn & I were going to try to escape this weekend... not far... just somewhere else. We obviously can't afford it though, and the kids' mom has no interest in seeing them... so we're stuck here. Fab.
My mom has been working her fingers to a nub at Waterford, volunteering in both Rory's & Leilei's classes. They love it... makes 'em feel extra special. :0)
It's only 9 pm and I'm pretty much done for. The house looks like SHIT and I always clean before I go to bed. Don't know if I have it in me tonight though.
Our Comfort Zone fundraising efforts have ground to a halt. :( If you were planning to donate, please do... you can click on our team link on the right side of this page. Even 5 bucks makes a difference. Thanks all.
Love ya...
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Hey, aren't you only, like, 300 bux from ur goal? How much longer do you have? Anyhoo I am Starvin' Marvin'(though u wouldn't know by looking at me) so I gots to go eat. Booger King. Oh, and the weather man, thankfully, fucked up, and it was not that cold today. I mean, you would think an Ice Age was coming the way they go on. And, I read over my last post, and I want to make a correction: If you did get some cash from those two flying monkeys, it would not really be a favor, since those are their grandsons. But, they still may feel they can tell you the what-for. Peace Shanny, L. To
ReplyDeleteThis summer, Reilly gets a job to pay for his sports. So there! He will fell good about making extra money. Is the shit shoveler position still available at the kennel?
ReplyDeleteGood to see you hit your mark for your Comfort Zone fundraiser...hope it continues :)
ReplyDeleteJust back from vacation so lots of catching up to do.
aot
r~