Hi shmoos.... I'm sure you'll all be shocked to hear that I am a complete tool. Yesterday was my ToJo's birthday, and I neglected to mention it. I'm sorry To!!! In my defense, we didn't have school, so I had NO idea of the date. I just this second saw that it's the 23rd, and thought.... OH SHIIIIIT! I hope you had a happy day. :0) Any plans for a big Maruccifest to celebrate, or did you do that over the weekend? In any case, a belated Happy Happy Birthday!!! Love you!!! xoxoxo
I'm fairly certain that Reilly is trying to kill me. I don't know what his fuckin problem is... overall, he's been doing much better with attitude, behavior, etc., since his weekend at Comfort Zone. But the second my mom gets off the plane, he flips the dick switch and has to act like Mr. Tough Shit. He's completely rude to her, to me, to everyone.... and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Buttplug. Lacrosse tryouts start today, and that's not helping AT ALL. He already thinks pretty highly of himself, and now that he's about to play on a high school team his head barely fits through the door. That kid is in SERIOUS need of an attitude adjustment.
Need you to cross your once again... we may have a buyer for the red jeep. This guy seems VERY interested and said he'll pay cash if we bring him the jeep in Pennsylvania today. It's only about an hour and 15 minutes away, so it's not too bad. Of course, he low-balled Finn on the price, but he REALLY wants to sell the damn thing.
I'm getting VERY discouraged about the job situation. There's just nothing out there right now. And trust me... I've left no stone unturned. I HAVE to bring in some money... HAVE TO. The bills are slowly killing me and I just can't take it. Last month I got the Direct TV down to the absolute lowest price possible, but I still can't do it. Got a cut-off notice today and I'm gonna have to give it up. Oh well. I should be getting another cut-off notice from the electric company any day now... I'll give them as little as I can to keep the shit on, but I owe them a lot. I also just got notification from ANOTHER of David's creditors that they are making a claim against the estate for almost $4000.00. Good luck with that fuckers... there's a mere 74 bucks left in the estate account.
With all of these financial landmines continuing to explode in my face, I've found myself thinking about the troll & cactus a lot lately. My mom keeps saying, "don't even let them cross your mind", but it's not that easy. I still just don't get it. How could they completely turn their backs on us, KNOWING that this financial disaster was of David's making? I don't understand it and I'm sure I never will. I know that they are sub-human, but it still hurts. I also realize that they are convinced I'm some sort of hideous gold-digger, but come on! I'm trying to find $115.00 to register Rory for soccer... I'm checking with Rei's school to see if there's any possibility of waiving the $200 athletic fee... I'm not sitting around with my thumb up my ass while noshing on bon bons. It's infuriating. Especially since the ONLY reason I'm still surviving, is because of the significant financial help my mom has been providing. And I fucking HATE that. She's getting ready to retire... she doesn't need to have THIS fucking noose around her neck.
I don't know what to do. The quicksand is swallowing me a little bit more everyday. Fuck.
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Happy (belated) Birthday Toni!!!! Hope it was spectacular. Hope I spelled that right...can't find a spell check on here! ;)
ReplyDeleteShan, see if the soccer organization offers scholarships. Last year one of our softball dad's died. I went ahead (as the player agent)and offered them a scholarship as a way to show support from the organization.
Things have been really tight for us, too. Manny, being my man of strong faith, kept praying about it. Well the week after Lori passed away, I finally picked up the mail (hadn't picked it up in about 9 days). Check this out....we had a $12k sitting in there. We didn't know anything about it. Turns out Manny will be collecting workers comp from his heart situation and the $12K was backpay! Plus we had a $600 check from Honda (we had traded in my Denali for a Honda and I guess that was an overpayment from our trade in). We also had a few other checks in the mail (my tiny paycheck and a couple pay job paychecks for Manny). I was able to deposit about $13k!! Katie said, "Auntie Lori is raining money on us from heaven!" :) So it makes me believe that you will get a small break like we got!!! God knows, you deserve it!
Thanks for your kind words about my sister-in-law. You are soooo right about the suffering that goes on with cancer and I'm so grateful that her death was peaceful. She was a very loud and boisterous person...always fighting for equal rights for women, latinos, and especially for KIDS. She was a loud person but in all the right ways. She was a care provider to everyone and very protective of all those she loved and cared for. So I feel like her peaceful passing was a gift from God....like He felt she deserved it after how hard she fought for everyone else her whole life.
Thank you for posting pictures of Bentley. He is so fuzzy and adoreable! I want to come snuggle him!!!
XoXo's,
Bon
Since I will be celebrating through the 1st of March, you weren't late. But, your still a tool. Hee. Thanx for the b-day shout, from you too Bonnie. Teenagers, bills and in-laws oh my! And hows about that absolutely perfect little piece of a dog. Poopie. Hang tough shuga, T.
ReplyDeleteASK ASK ASK ASK!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThe worst possible thing that could happen
is that they say no. They may refer you to
someone who will say yes. I know, tail between
your legs, its embarrassing. Gut wrenching just
to think about asking.
Email the turds. Tell them you need $315 for sports for the boys this spring. Period. NO embellishment. Just one line.
Hey Toni! Happy Freakin Birthday!
Love to all
Auntie Nut
Thanx Nut! Shan, apparently the quicksand did swallow you up?!?! Hope the hell not. The high tomorrow in LG will be 43. The high?!?! I don't mean to sound like a jackass(just comes natural), but, principles rarely pay the bills. Sometimes a girl has to use every resource available to her. Of course, you don't want a bunch of opinion to come along with the favor. Time to snuggle with my two little rodents. Peace out Girl Scout. T.
ReplyDelete