Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

26 February 2011

Mixed bag...

Mornin peeps. Let's start off with some GOOD news, shall we? AS of 6:45 this morning, Reilly is an official member of the Woodgrove JV Lacrosse team... yahooooooo! This whole week has been a nail biter. They've had tryouts for 3 hours every day after school, through cold, yucky rain, crazy wind... you name it! Then Rei seriously rolled his ankle at Thursday's practice. Ruh roh... if you're injured, they won't let you try out. I'm pleased to tell you that he powered through the pain and did his very best. Just to be complete DICKS, the coaches made them get to school at 6:30 this morning to find out whether or not they'd made the team. That's HARSH!!! They made 15 cuts... including a couple of Reilly's good friends... but luckily, he made it. Thank God. That would NOT have gone over well with him, had he been cut. The other good news? Coach told him that he has a good shot at being the team captain. He said he was very impressed with the way he emerged as a leader during tryouts. Sweet. 


Of course, I'm thrilled that he made the team, but the time commitment is going to creat some MAJOR issues for me. The first problem is that they have weight training BEFORE school, at 7:30 am, two days a week. What the FUCK? How am I supposed to get him there? It's not like we live in a neighborhood and the school is right down the street. This is a country school... some kids live almost 30 minutes away. NO CLUE how I'm going to work that out. Then of course, there is practice after school EVERY day, until 7:30 or 8 pm. WTF??? There are a couple of kids who live in the same general area that we do, so I'm REALLY hoping I can connect with their parents and set up a car pool so we can take turns. Not only do I have support groups to get the boys to, but the timing just SUCKS... it totally interferes with dinner, baths and bed for the little ones. Grrrr....


On another subject, I heard from my account manager for the loan mod yesterday... they need MORE documents!!!! AAAGGGHHHH!!!! I think they're trying to KILL me!!! Now they're asking for a signed, notarized letter explaining why I dont have any tax returns on file. Well, let's see.... I've NEVER EARNED ANY MONEY!!!!! My ONLY income has been the SSI death benefits, and they KNOW that. I swear to God, I think they just pick & pick & pick away at you in the hopes that you'll just give up. Keep in mind, I've been at this with these fuckers for a solid YEAR. Gimme a fuckin' break! Too bad for them... even though they're on my LAST fuckin' nerve, they don't know what a stubborn asshole I can be. I'M NOT GIVING UP!!!!


You might be interested to know that I did, in fact, write a letter to the troll and cactus the other day. I know my mother would NOT be thrilled to hear that, but too bad. True to form, it's been a couple of days and I've heard nothing. They're such morons though, that it usually takes them at least 4 or 5 days to formulate a pathetic response. I have NO expectation that they'll help us out at ALL, but I felt it was important for them to get a clear picture of exactly what we're dealing with. I know... they don't care... but I told 'em anyway. 


So tonight is the big Cotillion Masquerade Mardi Gras Ball. Surprise... Reilly doesn't fit in ANY of his suits, sportcoats, etc. I just got him a new suit in November & the fucker is out of it already. This kid has GOT to stop growing... I can't afford to keep him in the damn clothes!!!! So we'll be spending the day shopping to get him outfitted for the evening. I'm hoping we come across some SERIOUS bargains. 


We have officially reached our goal for the 10k... we went over $2000.00 last night. :0) You know what THAT means.... I'm gonna RAISE the goal to $2500.00!!! I e-mailed another 165 people last night, so I'm hopeful we can rustle up more donations. HUMONGOID thanks to our latest donors... 


Chris Streight, Nancy Erba, The Johnson Family, Korri Nelson, Brenda Yurow & The Northern Family. MY PEEPS ARE DA BEST!!!!!


Time to hit the stores... wish me luck. And if you haven't donated yet, I'd LOVE to take a few buck off your hands!!! Happy Saturday. :0)


xoxo
S


***Support your family... stand together.***
***Lift people up.***
***Be sustained by inner strength.***
-Instant Karma
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1 comment:

  1. RobinSaturday, February 26, 2011 11:43:00 AM

    Way to go Reilly! The schedule sounds a bit much though. When is the kid supposed to do his homework? I hope he does make captain. It will be good to shoulder that responsibility :)

    aot

    r~

    ReplyDelete

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