Hi noodlie doodlies. What a treat to have a Monday off... aaaahhhh. I have NO clue how it happened, but I slept in until 10 this morning! Not only that, I was out by 11:30 last night, and slept ALL NIGHT LONG. Yeah.... it ROCKED. :0)
Yesterday was spent running around with mom and the boys. Lacrosse tryouts are supposed to begin tomorrow, and Reilly needs all kinds of shit. I ended up crying like a big wuss in the middle of Dick's. I just HATE that I have LESS than ZERO funds, and every single thing has to be such a big stressor. It's not like I was mulling over some extravagant purchase... we're talking about supplies for my kid to play sports. That stuff was NEVER an issue... it was a foregone conclusion that the kids would be athletes, and we'd buy whatever they needed. No problem. Now? It's a BIG fucking problem. Just one more layer on my yummy shit sandwich. Ugh.
Gee treated us to a yummy dinner at Panera. We took something home to Finn, as he'd spent the ENTIRE day working on the jeep. I luvvves that hard-workin' redneck man! :0) The boys went down to watch a movie and have a sleepover with Gee, so Finn and I went to see The Fighter. LOVED it... fantastic movie.
Things are moving along beautifully with our Comfort Zone fundraiser. As of a few minutes ago, we're in the #1 fundraising spot with $1647.00. YAHOOOOOO!!!! I'm beyond excited. And more good news... Finn is going to do the 10k with us, as are Katy & Justin Wilson. It'll be SO fun to do it with a group. KK & Justin will have their own fundraising pages, but they're doing it for Comfort Zone too. Me luvvvves me some Wilsons!!! :0) And speaking of the Wilsons, their precious baby golden Bentley came home on Saturday. He was born on Christmas Day. We stopped in for a visit yesterday.... holy shiz nit... what a PRECIOUS pooch!!! OMG!!!! A snuggly, lovey, fuzzy little pumpkin. Yep.... we're all in love with Baby Bent Bent!!!
I forgot to mention something really wonderful that happened on Friday night.... Finn, Rory, Leilei & I went to Woodgrove to watch the basketball finals. It was AMAZING!!! The school spirit in that place is beyond description. Papa G... the principal Ric Guariloff... has created such an amazing culture of pride there & I'm SO happy that Reilly is having his high school experience at Woodgrove. Just being in that gym makes me want to go back to high school! Anyhoo, we walked up to the entry table to pay our admission, and the gal working there said our tickets had been paid for. What??? Yep. She said someone came up and paid for "the pink lady and her family", so we walked right in for free. I have no idea who did that, but what a lovely gesture. If you're reading, THANK YOU!!! That was SO incredibly thoughtful. :0)
Gotta scoot. The never ending pile of laundry is calling... eew. I hope you had a nice weekend.
xoxo
S
***FYI... my e-mail is all fucked up again... can't send or receive, so if you're waiting to hear from me about something, I'm sorry!
***Miss To.... no, I will NOT be running 10 miles!!!! It's a 10k, which is actually 6.2 miles. STILL won't be running!!! Jogging and walking sound like a plan. :0)
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
You sound great!! Have a wonderful week! T.
ReplyDelete"Pink Lady"
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to hear that you
had a great Friday night and that
your mamasan is there to give you
some time to be with Finn. I am
sure you will have a lovely week.
Much love;
~AN~
Ok here I am....I'm back! (: Sorry about my absence. Manny's sister's death really threw our family for a loop. I also had some responsibilities to take care of that I could not get out of and it was all going on at the same time...effing great :(
ReplyDeleteManny's sister had a cold. She layed down to take a nap on Friday, Feb 4th after taking some cold meds. Her son was over waiting for her to wake up because it was his birthday and they were going to have lunch together. Finally he went to check on her at 2:30 since she never got up to have lunch with him. She would not wake up. My bro-in-law (Manny's brother) was also over so he tried to wake Lori, also. She wouldn't wake up. He then realized she didn't have a pulse. Called an ambulance. She could not be revived. She was diabetic and they have listed her death as 'complications from diabetes'. They believe that the cold meds caused her blood sugar to spike which put her in a diabetic coma while she slept. She lived in Gilroy. My girls were very close with her. She would attend almost all their softball and basketball games....she was their biggest fan! She was Manny's only sister among five brothers. She was our matriarch. Manny has now lost two brothers and a sister. Half the kids are gone. It just seems wrong. Manny's oldest brother looks terrible. Losing three younger siblings has really affected him. And it just came as such a shock to all of us. But we are thankful that she died peacefully. If it's your time to go, you can't beat going to sleep and not waking up. Her funeral was very nice. The mayor of Morgan Hill spoke and let all of us know that the youth center that she ran for 25 years will be renamed in her name. That was very touching. It meant so much to my girls to think of driving by the center and seeing their auntie's name on it. They have both asked if they can go volunteer at it. :)
I have so much to comment on since I finally spent the last hour catching up on your blog. First of all, I love how Reilly is really embracing his support groups and the idea of being a social worker is amazing. I love that! His HS sounds soooo cool and I'm really envious since our HS is just your typical overcrowded California HS.
Finn continues to amaze me. I'm so glad that angel found his way into your life. I think your perfect for each other!
I love the Pink Lady story. And I love that you don't know who it was but someone acted so kindly and generously towards you and the family!
Hope you have a wonderful visit with your mama! There is nothing like getting some love from our moms!!
Well I better get my day started.
Love ya lots and lots!
Bon
Oi - Been off of the net for a while. trying to catch up on all your blogs. Just know not a day goes by with out a prayer for you and your whole family. Still employed although for a week or so i was worried because the company I do the titles for got in trouble with the state department for doing business with bad ass lebonese money launderers - they are located in Ashville VA - Nice huh! Customs is swooping down and siezing units. Collin made and was awarded Eagle.....oh he got a academic merit scholarship for P.U. (Pacific University in Oregon) He is still waiting to hear from the other schools but a bird in hand...They PU will defer a year for him to go to Germany. He has his placement interview this coming Saturday in Richmond VA. I would have had to fly up to go but Andy is in Culpeper, VA caring for his Mom who had her hip replaced and is having issues. My chickens are laying 25 eggs almost every day. 17 on a bad day. I think some of them lay eggs in the woods. My Aunt Mary Beth passed from Breast Cancer but just before she went she said, "Oh Judy's Here!" That was her sister my other aunt who passed nearly a year ago. Made my Mom and everyone really happy to think that those two are together in Heaven. Judy and Marybeth were my relatives by marriage. I still loved them a ton. My Cousin Donna too was in remission and her cancer is back with vengence. I really hate cancer. I learned how to use the clippers on my dogs to save a little money. It ain't pretty but it ain't bad either
ReplyDeleteI think of you Daily Sister Shannon much love AOT
Spunky