On The Road to My New Life

Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

05 March 2011

Hoping for a better day...

I just LOVE when I back-slide into the shit. SUCH fun. This time, it all started with Reilly and the realization that I have basically wasted the past 15 1/2 years of my life, as I've clearly done a shit job raising him. I think I told you recently that his grades had slipped a bit. I wish. They are officially in the dumper. Worse than that though, was getting e-mails from TWO teachers on Thursday informing me of his rude, insolent & disruptive classroom behavior of late. Lovely. The first thing I did was call the school & have him pulled from class so I could talk to him. I told him he was NOT going to lacrosse practice, and that he'd better get his ass on the bus and come home.

As you might imagine, Thursday afternoon and evening were hideous. World War 12. Not only did I have him miss practice, I also took his phone until further notice. The thing that is making me so crazy is that he's caught... he's nailed... yet he REFUSES to accept responsibility for his actions. It's the same shit I've heard a million times in the past 3 years... "this teacher hates me... that teacher is mean to me"... blah, blah, blah. I made sure the ape knew that even if his claims were true... which I KNOW they are NOT.... that it doesn't fucking matter!!! There's NO rule that says his teachers have to be nice to him or like him. Get over it!!! Sack up, kiss some ass and do your fucking work!!!

I was really at a loss as how to proceed. I know he needs lacrosse and I want him to have it. But as I told his coach, I cannot & will not accept the behavior he's been displaying at home and at school, and obviously, his grades HAVE to come up. I e-mailed the head coach several times on Thursay & Friday and got no response. I've gotta tell ya... NOT happy about that...especially since I had no way to contact Reilly's coach, and was relying on coach L to forward my e-mails. Since I didn't hear from him, I pulled Reilly from practice again yesterday. And again, I got nothing but attitude and bullshit from him all night. Great. So today is supposed to be a big day for the teams... first they have practice, then a jv scrimmage and a varsity scrimmage, followed by a BBQ for all LAX players this evening. I took him to school early so I could talk to his coach. He'd never gotten the e-mails from the other coach. Great. Thanks. Anyhoo.... I filled him in and asked for his help. I REALLY like this coach. He is a teacher too, so he's not just a crazed sports freak. He's tough as balls, but he's a very good man that has the potential to make a serious difference in Reilly's life. We made a plan for today... he was headed in to pull Reilly into his office for a wee chat. I told him I'd appreciate it if he scared the shit out of the kid and then ran him til he puked. No problem. :0) He will then have to sit and watch the jv scrimmage as punishment for missing practice, and during the varsity scrimmage, he will basically be their bitch. As for the BBQ... we'll see. I'm going to connect with coach later in the day and see how Reilly did. It's not a 'team event'... purely a social function, and I don't know that he deserves to attend.

He has started to try and right the wrongs at school... he e-mailed each of his teachers an apology and told them he knew he was doing poorly and had no excuse. He also asked for extra work and has already scheduled a couple of make-up tests. Fingers crossed.

Learning that he was being so rude to his teachers absolutely sent me reeling. I have worked so hard to keep in contact with all of them, and I really thought he was finished being a butt head while at school. He started the school year SO strongly, and I just hate that he's let it get away from him. But since he's 15, there's only so much I can do. I can't MAKE him do anything. I have talked to this kid til I was blue in the face for the past few days... to no avail. Then this morning he comes in and tells me he talked to uncle Chris, and now he understands that he created the problem. Are you fucking KIDDING me??? He's taking advice from a jack-ass man child who is STILL coddled by his parents at age 40, and has NO CLUE about parenting, or even being a role model for Christ's sake. I LOST it. NOT HAPPY. I'm glad the kid feels like he can talk to Chris, but I made sure to tell him that his advice is about as valuable as a pile of shit.

Did I mention that those ASSHOLES in Florida AND Reilly's Godfather have had NO response to my e-mails about the boys' fundraising efforts? They can't even support them in that way???? They positively DISGUST me.

I'm really hoping the kid comes home today in pain from getting his ass worked harder than he ever imagined it could be. A few tears wouldn't hurt either.

Better go.... snuggle time with Finn & the wee ones. :0)

xoxo
S

04 March 2011

An excerpt from HelloGrief.org

Hey all... having a particularly rough day.... one where I just want to crawl in my bed and sleep until all of this shit goes away. Bad news for me... it doesn't go away... ever. Found this article and thought it might help explain some of the ups and downs of this process, and why I can have a great day or week and then fall into the abyss once again.

xoxo

S

How Did GRIEF Get an Expiration Date?

By Lynne B. Hughes

Certain things need an expiration date. Milk, eggs, mayonnaise, meat, fish… there is a time we need to be done with them, and throw them away… I get all that. But does grief have an expiration date? For some reason, there seems to be an acceptable shelf life—6-12 months—and then grief should be off the shelf, out of the home and permanently removed with the weekly trash service. If it was only that simple…

The “grief expiration date” myth must come from people who have never experienced a close death – otherwise they would know the truth. Everyone fears facing such a loss. They are hopeful that should death touch their world, it will only take 6-12 months to recover. No one wants someone they love to die. So, until faced with the reality, it’s easier to think ‘this won’t happen to me, AND if it does it will only be bad for a finite, short amount of time and then…there’s an expiration date and it is magically all gone.’ What a wonderful world that would be.

I’ve heard time and time again there is a societal expectation to “get over” grief in 6 months, and at the longest, a year. Those who aren’t grieving believe it, and often those who are also believe it - this sets grieving people up for false, and ultimately disappointing, expectations.

The one year mark looms like some golden carrot over the heads of those who are grieving. It is a symbol of hope that if they make it to the one year mark they will be in a much happier and pain free place.

The reality is they won’t be over it, nor should they be. If someone spent years loving another person, the pain of that person’s death simply will not be removed due to a date on the calendar.

The opposite actually might happen – people who are grieving may feel even more pain in year two because the initial numbness, which often serves as a protective barrier at the onset of loss, has worn off and they begin experiencing the full intensity of their feelings and grief. This is accompanied by the realization that life with loss is their “new normal.”

I lost my mother at 9 and father at 12. I remember feeling the expectation of a grief expiration date myself. I remember being 15, five years after my mother died and three years after my father died. If I had a tough day missing my parents, people looked shocked, or avoided the subject, or avoided me. Sometimes I would hear insensitive comments, like “aren’t you over that?” Or when someone experienced a more recent loss, I would get “Oh, poor [so and so]. What a tragic loss. Aren’t you glad you are over that now?”

I remember beating myself up and doubting how well I was coping. If you allow yourself to believe there is an expiration date for grief, you will start to think you aren’t doing well if you still miss your loved one 5, 10, 20, 40 years after the loss. In reality – it’s normal. And it’s okay.

This is what I know to be true:

Grief IS a life-long journey. An emotional handicap you get up, and live with everyday. It doesn’t mean you can’t lead a happy life, but it is a choice, and takes work.

The frequency and intensity of those grief pangs/knives should lessen over time, but the reality is every now and then for the rest of your life, you will feel those pangs. Everyone grieves at their own pace, and in their own way. There is no one way to grieve, and no certain order, and no timeline. There is definitely not an expiration date.

Grief will take on different forms in different people. Not everyone cries; others cry all the time. Some exercise a lot. Others talk about it a lot. Many seek counseling or join a support group, and enjoy the company of a good and understanding listener.

If years after your loss, thinking of your loved one missing a special day or milestone in your life, makes you sad, puts you in a funk, or makes you cry, don’t beat yourself up. Allow yourself the ability to grieve the loss of memories not created. As long as the frequency and intensity of grief eases—even if it is slowly over time—you are coping in positive ways. Alternatively, if years after the loss, you can’t bear the mention of your loved ones name, you sleep all day, you aren’t participating in your normal everyday activities, you do things to “numb” or escape your grief, those are warning signs that you are not coping well, and should seek the assistance you need to begin healing.

Grieving in a healthy manner, taking steps to move forward, and rebuild your life with a new normal, doesn’t mean you won’t have those tough days or tough moments.

There is no expiration date. Grief never fully goes away. That doesn’t have to mean you can’t and won’t live a happy and productive life. What it does mean is the love you shared with loved ones lost, doesn’t have an expiration date either.

Very well said. :0)

www.hellogrief.org