Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

12 February 2011

What's shakin?

Hey peeps... not even sure why I'm writing... I have zero interesting things to say at the moment. Finn and I both ended up playing taxi last night. He shlepped his kids through heinous traffic to Gaithersburg, and Rory & I picked up Rei and his friends after the basketball games... dropped a couple of them in Purcellville & then took Rei & Austen to Austen's. I thought it was pretty fuckin' fab of me, seeing as though Austen lives 3 miles past East Jesus.  Yeah... had to go fetch the yard ape this morning, and now he's telling me that he wants to go back over there. Nice dick-over, as I specifically told him yesterday that I'd need him to watch Rory tonight. My mamasan sent us all a bunch of Valentine treats, and Finn & I got gift cards for dinner and a movie. Hellllooooo date night!!! I just wish the kid would lay off... he's giving me a VERY hard time, and I DO NOT appreciate it. I've been bending over backwards to make sure he gets to hang with his friends, go to games, etc. Just let me have a couple hours with my Finn!!!! Yes... teenagers are completely egocentric... I get it. But I don't have to like it!!!


See? Nothing of note to say. Guess I'll wrap it up. Enjoy your Saturday. :0)


S
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11 February 2011

Baby, it's COLD outside!!!

Hey monkeys.... sooooo glad it's Friday. :0) I didn't end up getting to my errands today. My tummy episode isn't quite over & I had to turn around and head home. There's always plenty of shiz that needs doing around here, but I couldn't manage that either... had to lay down. Oh well... trying not to feel guilty about being such a lazy fuck. There's nothing I can do though... just have to take it easy until my gut gets itself back in line. I always forget how awful it feels when I'm lucky enough to go a long time between these nasty episodes. I hope this will be the last one for a while. 


My sweet Finn is heading out the door. :( He's only been home about an hour, and now he's off again. Booooooo!!! He's taking the kids up to Gaithersburg to their great grandma's again. Their own mother isn't interested in having them this weekend, and Finn had actually planned to keep 'em home. And then came the call from grandma.... she demanded he bring the kids to her tonight, and you don't say no to grandma! She's 87, but she'll whoop your ass! So now he'll be gone for a few hours driving up and back. Me no likey!!! We could have gone along, but it wouldn't be much fun for Rory to spend 3 hours in the car. Reilly is at school watching the final basketball games of the season, and then heading to his friend Austen's for a sleepover. I wish I had one for Rory... then we'd be kid-free!!! Damn. Maybe next time. 


Yes Miss ToJo... you are correct in assuming that Finn is the love of my life... no question... not a doubt in my mind... absofuckinlutely the one. I positively adore him... in every way. He's sweet, funny, happy, smart, loving and a wonderful dad. And let's not forget that he's gorgeous and sexy as hell. I love his goofy redneck speak and I really love that he makes fun of, and can laugh at himself. He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel special. He treats me like an absolute queen, and you wouldn't believe the incredibly beautiful things he says to me everyday. 


There was a long time when I was pretty sure I'd be alone for the rest of my life. Once I started dating, it was just for fun... something to keep me busy since the boys spent SO much time with David. I never, ever, in a gazillion years thought I'd meet someone that I'd want to marry. I remember telling Dr. V flat out that I would NEVER marry again. Hmmmmm.... but I sure wasn't counting on an angel known as Finn to come into my life. Me luvvvvvvvves him. :0) 


So, it looks like it'll be a quiet evening at home for Rory and me. He's playing on the floor in my room as I write this... I love listening to him... he's always had such a great imagination. And he is SO funny! That kid can seriously make me laugh. And I definitely enjoy this version much more than the one that was on display this morning... we had another rough start today and it was NOT pretty. 


Some boxes of Valentine treats arrived from my mamasan today... maybe we'll go take a peek in those. :0) 


xoxo
S
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Friday.... finally.

Hey Bobbin.... sounds like you had a BLAST yesterday... ugh! And the dog stealing the cupcakes??? That is SO something my dogs would do... HAVE done!!! Little shits! Even my cats have been known to sneak muffins off the counter. It's a good thing we love our furry people so much, or they'd be swingin' from a tree!!! 


Yeah... the whole thing about that guy being such a prick last night... where does that COME from??? Let's not forget that his job is to be available at the HELP DESK.... but just from one human being to another... why would you talk to someone like that? I'm not tootin' my own horn here, but I can't count the number of times I've stopped or gone out of my way to see if I could help a total stranger. Isn't that how we're supposed to behave? Whatever. Clearly, there are people who've never gotten that memo. They're definitely the ones who are missing out... it always makes me feel great to be hable to help someone, even in some tiny way. And hey... ever heard of KARMA???? 


Reilly had a spectacular group last night. After it was over, he even got major kudos from both social workers about what a great job he did facilitating the meeting and helping other teens to share. I LOVE that he is so completely embracing the process. Not only is he learning and healing, but he's helping others on that path too. I made sure to sing his praises last night... telling him over and over how proud I am of him and how proud he should be of himself. He said to me, "well, that's what happens when you go to Comfort Zone... it changed my life. I was even thinking I might be a really good social worker." Holy shit. Yeah.... that one knocked my socks off. :0) They're also starting a peer grief support group at Woodgrove and he's totally jazzed about it. They're in the process of getting permission from each of the parents, allowing the students to participate. He was told there are 12 other kids interested, and he's ready to start meeting NOW. He's also still working hard to come up with fundraising ideas for Comfort Zone. It makes me so happy that he is finally looking outside of himself... methinks the countless hours I've spent getting him to and from every support group under the sun is FINALLY starting to pay off. 


They're having 2 really cool fundraisers coming up... a 10k and 1 mile fun run, and then a big gala with an auction, etc. I just wish the HQ wasn't all the way in Richmond... I'd love it if we could participate in one or both of those events. I guess we'll just have to make something happen up here. :0) If you want to read more about them, or the organization in general, please check this out: Learn about Comfort Zone!!! 


I have a little bit of running around to do this morning, then it's back to hitting the job listings. Eew. Enjoy your Friday. :0)


xoxo
S

***Acknowledge the lessons your soul needs to learn.***
***Give a smile to a stranger.***
***Thank someone for believing in you.***
-Instant Karma
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