***Get back up when life throws you.***
***Keep asking questions and seeking the answers.***
***Trust the knowledge to be there when you need it.***
-Instant Karma
Fuck. Ran over to Target this evening to pick up my new scrip. Remember last week when I went to refill my daily tummy meds and it was going to cost me $577.00 ???? Well... it took me a few days to be able to even deal with it and address the problem. Yes, I DO realize that has become a pattern for me. Anyhoo, my GI doc is wonderful and knows my whole situation. David was a patient of his too, so he knows everything. He had 3 assistants working on this issue for me Thursday and yesterday. He switched me to a different drug that's a lot cheaper. You know what's fucked up? About a year ago, I had to switch from THAT drug to the one that costs $577 because my FORMER insurance company said IT was too expensive. I fucking HATE pharmaceutical companies. You cannot begin to imagine the way they throw money around on ridiculous extravagances and kick-backs to doctors, all the while, people are literally DYING because they can't afford their meds. It makes my flesh crawl. So I get to the pharmacy, and the new scrip I got is still going to cost me $216.00. That's $216 a MONTH people. What the fuck am I gonna do??? Every time I feel like I've made the tiniest bit of progress, something like this happens. It's like someone's trying to tell me... "hey, not so fast! No WAY will you make it through this shit!" Ugh!!!!! I got a part time job, but I don't make squat. I FINALLY got health insurance, but it doesn't cover DICK. You may be wondering why I don't just get a FULL TIME job that has benefits and be done with it. There are a number of reasons, the most important of which is that Rory NEEDS me to be here when he gets home from school. That kid is SO incredibly fragile right now... being here to meet the bus every day is a non-negotiable. Let's also remember that I have very little in the way of marketable skills. It took me 4 solid months of searching EVERY DAY to get the job I have now. I don't think finding a full time position would be any easier. And then there's the fact that I'm only allowed to make a certain amount of money before they start taking away my SSI Death Benefits. The fact is, I'm pretty much fucked six ways til Sunday. I see NO light at the end of this tunnel... I see NO way to stay in our home... I see NO way to even pay our monthly living expenses. Even with every single extra little thing cut out, we don't have near enough.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I HATE THIS!!!!!!
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
22 January 2011
Just another morning in my office...
***Express gratitude for life's riches on a regular basis.***
***Take it easy on yourself when you cannot make something happen.***
***Learn to make peace with whatever is present.***
-Instant Karma
Yep... hangin' in my mobile office once again. Reilly has a Cotillion event this morning... skating at the outdoor rink in Reston. Bummer for him... it's only 17 degrees this morning!!! Ouch!!! Oh well... better him than me. At least I'm toasty in my car. :0)
I went with Finn yesterday afternoon to drop of the kids with their mom. What sould have been a 45 minute exercise... MAX... ended up taking HOURS. That idiot girl has GOT to be the most irresponsible jack-ass on earth. She keeps him waiting EVERY time. He has vowed to never meet up with her again... to insist that she come to our house to get the kids... but he's such a sweetheart that he wants to help her out and always seems to relent. I guess it makes me mental because WE are the ones raising the kids... feeding them, clothing them, etc., and she doesn't contribute ONE RED CENT. Grrrrr.... she claims that she's using this time to 'get her life together', yet she's working part-time... 18 whopping hours a week. Hellloooooo..... go get a second job and bust some ass, girl! Ugh!!!! I'm raising 4 kids, working part time AND trying to find a second job. She's got NOTHING but free time... get busy, biznatch!!! What a fuckin' tool.
I'm SO not looking forward to Tuesday... the Shareholder's Meeting at SDSI. I'd rather have my toenails ripped off one at a time. I just got a lovely $2000 bill from my attorneys, and now I need to pay 500 bucks an hour to have this guy at the meeting with me. Well, he doesn't HAVE to be there, but it certainly makes sense to have him with me. If the shares end up being worth nothing, then I'll just be pissing in the wind. BUT, if by some miracle there is a payout offer, the VERY best thing I can do is have representation present.
Speaking of attorneys, I HAVE to get in touch with the medical malpractive guy and get the ball rolling with the UVA case. I haven't done it yet because frankly, it's another thing that makes me want to gouge out my eyeballs with a spoon. Hmmmm.... it certainly seems that most, if not all, of this death business is positively heinous and makes me want to go hide in a cave. And this weekend I'm going to have to FORCE myself to gather as much of the loan mod info as I possibly can. They've given me a deadline of February 10th to get everything submitted... no clue how I'll make that happen. I wish I had someone that could walk me through all of this, or better yet, do it FOR me... it's all just so hard to face. That probably sounds pretty stupid, but it's a fact.
I also just got ANOTHER bill from the County Commisioner's office... some shit relating to the 'estate'. They have figured out a bazillion ways to collect money. It's fuckin gross. I also have another court date looming.... the second one in my capacity of Estate Administrator. I got something in the mail yesterday addressed to "Shannon Streight, Estate Executrix". Eeeew... that makes me sound like a dom!!!
No real plans for the weekend. I know Finn wants to make more progress on the jeep... he's getting really close to being able to post it for sale. We also might have a buyer for the Mercedes. It's been quite a struggle... we can't seem to get anyone to offer more than $4000. David bought it for $5100 and I was REALLY hoping to get that much out of it, but it looks like that isn't gonna happen. I'm holing firm at $4500 cash, so we'll see. Cross your fingers... especially since that money is already spent... attorney fees, etc. I'm hoping to get to the touch-up painting in Reilly's room and mancave. We got the cave all set up last weekend and it looks really cool. The major determining factor will be his attitude. I'm NOT going to do it by myself... he needs to participate, or he can go screw. That's exactly why it has yet to be completed. The combo of his apathetic attitude, the way he continues to live like a pig, and the shitty way he treated me and spoke to me the LAST time I helped him... so it has continued to be unfinished.
Have I mentioned that sometimes I want to fucking MURDER my dogs? Generally, it's only one at a time who's the target of my homicidal fantasies. Right now it's Kirby. I don't know what the fuck was going on with him last night, but he started barking at 3 a.m. He has a very specific, sharp bark when he wants either out or in. He and Lola sleep together in a crate, and he was WIGGIN. I finally had to go down and let him out, which means I had to let ALL of them out. If one goes, the rest get jealous and start whining and barking. What a bunch of babies!!! I ended up being awake until sometime after 4. Fuck.
Okay... I'd better skedaddle. I hope you have a lazy Saturday on the books. I'm going to try to add a link to a book... "The Bridge to Forgiveness: Stories and Prayers for Finding God" by Karyn D. Kedar. It's probably the single MOST beautiful and uplifting collection of stories I've ever come across. It definitely helped me to hold on to my faith during much of this journey. And later, it helped me find my way BACK... but meeting Finn is what really sealed the deal for me. It's true... when he came into my life, I started to believe in God again. :0) Me luvvvves him.
Smooches...
S
***Create beauty.***
***Be a student of life... always learning.***
***You don't have all the time in the world, so don't waste it.***
-Instant Karma
***Take it easy on yourself when you cannot make something happen.***
***Learn to make peace with whatever is present.***
-Instant Karma
Yep... hangin' in my mobile office once again. Reilly has a Cotillion event this morning... skating at the outdoor rink in Reston. Bummer for him... it's only 17 degrees this morning!!! Ouch!!! Oh well... better him than me. At least I'm toasty in my car. :0)
I went with Finn yesterday afternoon to drop of the kids with their mom. What sould have been a 45 minute exercise... MAX... ended up taking HOURS. That idiot girl has GOT to be the most irresponsible jack-ass on earth. She keeps him waiting EVERY time. He has vowed to never meet up with her again... to insist that she come to our house to get the kids... but he's such a sweetheart that he wants to help her out and always seems to relent. I guess it makes me mental because WE are the ones raising the kids... feeding them, clothing them, etc., and she doesn't contribute ONE RED CENT. Grrrrr.... she claims that she's using this time to 'get her life together', yet she's working part-time... 18 whopping hours a week. Hellloooooo..... go get a second job and bust some ass, girl! Ugh!!!! I'm raising 4 kids, working part time AND trying to find a second job. She's got NOTHING but free time... get busy, biznatch!!! What a fuckin' tool.
I'm SO not looking forward to Tuesday... the Shareholder's Meeting at SDSI. I'd rather have my toenails ripped off one at a time. I just got a lovely $2000 bill from my attorneys, and now I need to pay 500 bucks an hour to have this guy at the meeting with me. Well, he doesn't HAVE to be there, but it certainly makes sense to have him with me. If the shares end up being worth nothing, then I'll just be pissing in the wind. BUT, if by some miracle there is a payout offer, the VERY best thing I can do is have representation present.
Speaking of attorneys, I HAVE to get in touch with the medical malpractive guy and get the ball rolling with the UVA case. I haven't done it yet because frankly, it's another thing that makes me want to gouge out my eyeballs with a spoon. Hmmmm.... it certainly seems that most, if not all, of this death business is positively heinous and makes me want to go hide in a cave. And this weekend I'm going to have to FORCE myself to gather as much of the loan mod info as I possibly can. They've given me a deadline of February 10th to get everything submitted... no clue how I'll make that happen. I wish I had someone that could walk me through all of this, or better yet, do it FOR me... it's all just so hard to face. That probably sounds pretty stupid, but it's a fact.
I also just got ANOTHER bill from the County Commisioner's office... some shit relating to the 'estate'. They have figured out a bazillion ways to collect money. It's fuckin gross. I also have another court date looming.... the second one in my capacity of Estate Administrator. I got something in the mail yesterday addressed to "Shannon Streight, Estate Executrix". Eeeew... that makes me sound like a dom!!!
No real plans for the weekend. I know Finn wants to make more progress on the jeep... he's getting really close to being able to post it for sale. We also might have a buyer for the Mercedes. It's been quite a struggle... we can't seem to get anyone to offer more than $4000. David bought it for $5100 and I was REALLY hoping to get that much out of it, but it looks like that isn't gonna happen. I'm holing firm at $4500 cash, so we'll see. Cross your fingers... especially since that money is already spent... attorney fees, etc. I'm hoping to get to the touch-up painting in Reilly's room and mancave. We got the cave all set up last weekend and it looks really cool. The major determining factor will be his attitude. I'm NOT going to do it by myself... he needs to participate, or he can go screw. That's exactly why it has yet to be completed. The combo of his apathetic attitude, the way he continues to live like a pig, and the shitty way he treated me and spoke to me the LAST time I helped him... so it has continued to be unfinished.
Have I mentioned that sometimes I want to fucking MURDER my dogs? Generally, it's only one at a time who's the target of my homicidal fantasies. Right now it's Kirby. I don't know what the fuck was going on with him last night, but he started barking at 3 a.m. He has a very specific, sharp bark when he wants either out or in. He and Lola sleep together in a crate, and he was WIGGIN. I finally had to go down and let him out, which means I had to let ALL of them out. If one goes, the rest get jealous and start whining and barking. What a bunch of babies!!! I ended up being awake until sometime after 4. Fuck.
Okay... I'd better skedaddle. I hope you have a lazy Saturday on the books. I'm going to try to add a link to a book... "The Bridge to Forgiveness: Stories and Prayers for Finding God" by Karyn D. Kedar. It's probably the single MOST beautiful and uplifting collection of stories I've ever come across. It definitely helped me to hold on to my faith during much of this journey. And later, it helped me find my way BACK... but meeting Finn is what really sealed the deal for me. It's true... when he came into my life, I started to believe in God again. :0) Me luvvvves him.
Smooches...
S
***Create beauty.***
***Be a student of life... always learning.***
***You don't have all the time in the world, so don't waste it.***
-Instant Karma
21 January 2011
Really???
***Accept your experiences, even the ones you hate.***
***We can all do much more than we think, but first we have to believe it.***
***Try to make yourself laugh even when you see little to laugh about.***
-Instant Karma
So I'm going along yesterday, spending a great deal of time on the phone with Comfort Zone Camp, getting them all of the info they need to get the boys set up for their weekend of bereavement camp. Just being a good citizen, going about my business... and I get pulled over. My stupid fucking registration is out of date... haven't had a chance to deal with it. Shit. Oh well... it happens. Well holy fuckin shitballs.... this deputy was a PRICK to the tenth degree. Seriously... he didn't even take 5 seconds to assess the situation and maybe see how I would react. He marched up to my car and immediately spoke to me like I was a convicted child rapist. UNBELIEVABLE. Trust me, I GET it. My tags are dead and I deserve a ticket. But is it REALLY necessary to be a giant, oozing bag of pus??? I have enormous respect for police officers. My Uncle John... one of my favorite people on earth... was a cop for many years. I have quite a number of friends who are married to cops or deputy sheriffs. The point is, me luvvvvves the bacon! I couldn't have been any more pleasant or respectful, and this guy was just intent on being the worst example of a sheriff's deputy that he possibly could. It's assbags like him that give cops a bad name. What a DOUCHEBAG!!! Stupid dick.
I headed home and got busy doing some serious cleaning. Never my favorite thing, but it IS very satisfying to see the finished product. I have more to do today. What am I saying??? I ALWAYS have more to do... the cycle of cleaning never ends. How could it? 6 people... including a toddler and a disgusting teenager... and 8 animals. It's a losing battle. But I'll keep on keepin on.
Rory's grief group last night was a smashing success. He came out of there laughing and skipping... happier than he's been in quite a while. Can I tell you how much I love and appreciate Life With Cancer and their AMAZING programs???? Speaking of which...SUPER BONUS... after months of requests, they are going to start a new Parenting Alone Support Group for us. It will be held at the same time that the kids are in group, and will be facilitated by Saundra Weller... the incredible & fabulous social worker who facilitated the Caregiver's Support Group I used to attend. I'm SO excited!!!! I have missed my support group more than you can possibly imagine and am REALLY looking forward to working with Saundra again.
The cancer train keeps rolling right along. There were 2 new kids at group last night. One of them lost his dad in October. The other's dad just died the day after Christmas. Motherfucker. It never ends. The woman whose husband died in October was visibly shaken. I hadn't even been introduced to her yet, but I walked across the room and asked if I could hug her. She dissolved into sobs in my arms. It felt so good to be there for her. Some of the most profound moments I've experienced along this journey have been at the hands of complete strangers. Once, a woman working at the Piercing Pagoda reached across the counter and hugged me. Another time, a woman in Robeks hugged me and held my hand. And then there was Bruce, a guy who works at the club, who asked me to come to his office and pray with him. You will never know what ONE TINY act of kindness could mean to someone. I guess the message is, don't be afraid to reach out to someone, even if you don't know them. Your acknowledgement of their pain could be the ONE thing that helps them to survive one more day.
If you have time, please peruse the new links I've added to the site. Hellogrief.org is an amazing site. Even if you haven't experienced a significant loss, it might give you some insight as to what we're going through, or how to help people in your life that are grieving. So many people have said to me "oh, people just don't know what to say" or "they don't know how to act around you". I understand that, but I no longer accept it. Get fucking educated. Witnessing and actually acknowledging someone's grief is one of the most powerful things you can do for them.
Wishing you all a happy day and a lazy weekend. :0)
xoxo
S
***If you know someone who is going through a difficult time, do something...anything... to let them know you care.***
***Make sure your friends know you accept them as they are.***
***Be courageous enough to be open and receptive to different possibilities.***
-Instant Karma
***We can all do much more than we think, but first we have to believe it.***
***Try to make yourself laugh even when you see little to laugh about.***
-Instant Karma
So I'm going along yesterday, spending a great deal of time on the phone with Comfort Zone Camp, getting them all of the info they need to get the boys set up for their weekend of bereavement camp. Just being a good citizen, going about my business... and I get pulled over. My stupid fucking registration is out of date... haven't had a chance to deal with it. Shit. Oh well... it happens. Well holy fuckin shitballs.... this deputy was a PRICK to the tenth degree. Seriously... he didn't even take 5 seconds to assess the situation and maybe see how I would react. He marched up to my car and immediately spoke to me like I was a convicted child rapist. UNBELIEVABLE. Trust me, I GET it. My tags are dead and I deserve a ticket. But is it REALLY necessary to be a giant, oozing bag of pus??? I have enormous respect for police officers. My Uncle John... one of my favorite people on earth... was a cop for many years. I have quite a number of friends who are married to cops or deputy sheriffs. The point is, me luvvvvves the bacon! I couldn't have been any more pleasant or respectful, and this guy was just intent on being the worst example of a sheriff's deputy that he possibly could. It's assbags like him that give cops a bad name. What a DOUCHEBAG!!! Stupid dick.
I headed home and got busy doing some serious cleaning. Never my favorite thing, but it IS very satisfying to see the finished product. I have more to do today. What am I saying??? I ALWAYS have more to do... the cycle of cleaning never ends. How could it? 6 people... including a toddler and a disgusting teenager... and 8 animals. It's a losing battle. But I'll keep on keepin on.
Rory's grief group last night was a smashing success. He came out of there laughing and skipping... happier than he's been in quite a while. Can I tell you how much I love and appreciate Life With Cancer and their AMAZING programs???? Speaking of which...SUPER BONUS... after months of requests, they are going to start a new Parenting Alone Support Group for us. It will be held at the same time that the kids are in group, and will be facilitated by Saundra Weller... the incredible & fabulous social worker who facilitated the Caregiver's Support Group I used to attend. I'm SO excited!!!! I have missed my support group more than you can possibly imagine and am REALLY looking forward to working with Saundra again.
The cancer train keeps rolling right along. There were 2 new kids at group last night. One of them lost his dad in October. The other's dad just died the day after Christmas. Motherfucker. It never ends. The woman whose husband died in October was visibly shaken. I hadn't even been introduced to her yet, but I walked across the room and asked if I could hug her. She dissolved into sobs in my arms. It felt so good to be there for her. Some of the most profound moments I've experienced along this journey have been at the hands of complete strangers. Once, a woman working at the Piercing Pagoda reached across the counter and hugged me. Another time, a woman in Robeks hugged me and held my hand. And then there was Bruce, a guy who works at the club, who asked me to come to his office and pray with him. You will never know what ONE TINY act of kindness could mean to someone. I guess the message is, don't be afraid to reach out to someone, even if you don't know them. Your acknowledgement of their pain could be the ONE thing that helps them to survive one more day.
If you have time, please peruse the new links I've added to the site. Hellogrief.org is an amazing site. Even if you haven't experienced a significant loss, it might give you some insight as to what we're going through, or how to help people in your life that are grieving. So many people have said to me "oh, people just don't know what to say" or "they don't know how to act around you". I understand that, but I no longer accept it. Get fucking educated. Witnessing and actually acknowledging someone's grief is one of the most powerful things you can do for them.
Wishing you all a happy day and a lazy weekend. :0)
xoxo
S
***If you know someone who is going through a difficult time, do something...anything... to let them know you care.***
***Make sure your friends know you accept them as they are.***
***Be courageous enough to be open and receptive to different possibilities.***
-Instant Karma
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