On The Road to My New Life

Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

09 May 2011

Monday...

Hey peeps... never did get my nap yesterday... booooo! I tried... NO idea why I couldn't sleep. I'm usually a fab napper. Oh well. I was so tired that I wasn't even interested in going out for dinner. It was just as well... that stupid little bitch... aka Jayden & Leighanna's mom... started calling Finn about noon, telling him that she was "done with the visit" with the kids. How lovely. She was supposed to arrive early on Saturday so she could see the kids' soccer game. She actually showed when there were about 10 minutes left. Nice. The plan was for her to keep the kids until Tuesday morning, as Finn's work schedule is screwy this week. He worked a regular shift yesterday, has to work 2pm-11:30 pm tonight, and has to be up and at it by 4:30 again tomorrow morning. Blarg!!! Originally, he told her to go screw and spend some time with her fucking kids. But she kept calling and kept calling.... she's so volatile that he was worried for the kids. Who knows what she'd do? Maybe she had a gang bang planned and would lock the kids in the closet. So he went and picked them up. I want to punch her square in the face. He works SO hard... at his job, with the kids, around the house... and she can't even have her own children for a whole day??? And let's not forget that she STILL doesn't pay ANY child support. AAAGGGHHH!!!! My sweet man made dinner for the whole crew as soon as he got home with the kiddos. What an angel. AND he gave me a gift card for a massage and a facial!!! ME LOVE IT!!!!!

So guess what I just did... I went to NOVA, Northern Virginia Community College, and had a walk-in consult with a counselor. Ohhhhh shit. I thought I was overwhelmed before. The good news is that this woman was incredibly helpful and knowledgeable, but DAYUM! I've got a LONG road ahead. I was hoping to take a class this summer just to get my feet wet, but I don't know if I'll be able to. I have to do the whole application process and take 2 HUGE placement tests... in English and math. Oh. My. God. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but when it comes to math, I may as well be brain dead. Seriously. A math MORON. They'll probably laugh me out of the place. Let's pretend for a teensy second that I can actually pass that test... it will take me 3 solid years to get my RN. Fucking hell. Truly... the thought of it makes me want to puke. I have NO idea how I will be able to go to school AND have a job. Granted, I realize I don't have a job... but I need to find one!!! Oh well... one step at a time. She gave me some websites to check into that have practice tests. I'm thinking I'll have to hit those pretty hard. It's mostly algebra that they focus on... I'll probably need Reilly to tutor me. Grrrr...

My sweet angel man... he sent me a text & asked how it went. I replied with a LONG note about all of this shiz. All he said was "well, let's get it started!" What a sweetheart.

I've already done some Craigslist work today... re-posted a few things that haven't sold and posted some new items too. I hope I can keep on rollin' with the sales.

Errands to run... gots to go. Gorgeous weather today... feels like home. :0)

xoxo
S

08 May 2011

Happy Mother's Day :0)

Happy Mother's Day, noodles. So far, a SPLENDIFEROUS day for me!!! Why, you might ask? Because I sold my bush hog for a ROCKIN' price!!! Yeeeeehawwww!!! Yeah, baby!!! Now I need to get my Finn to help me with the tractor. It needs a tune-up and a good cleaning, but this is the time of year to get the biggest bucks for it. Gotta get workin' on that.

Now that I'm done 'working' for the day, I am deep into enjoying Mother's Day mode. Maybe I'm just a selfish bitch, but I've never understood why we're expected to do something with our kids on Mother's Day. Seriously.... I'm with my kids, caring for my kids, doing for my kids.... every minute of every day. I'd like a day OFF please! So now I am enjoying a smoothie as I write. Next I will stop at Target for a few things & then head home for a nap. Once my sweetie gets home from work, I think we'll go to Los Toltecos for dinner. Mexican sounds yummmmmmy!!! Some me time, a nap & dinner with my guys... that's MY kind of Mother's Day!

I got another delivery of SPECTACULAR flowers yesterday.... from my mudda & 'the boys'... nice try, mom! ;-)

Snapdragons... one of my all time faves!!!

I LOVE having fresh flowers in the house!

Having fresh flowers around is one thing I've really missed. Before cancer, I used to treat myself fairly regularly. I didn't go crazy... I'd usually just grab a bouquet at Costco every few weeks. Not really a smart expenditure for me anymore. That makes me appreciate these all the more. :0)

Got a few more details about Reilly's job. He actually had an on-the-spot interview with Suzanne yesterday. There are all kinds of positions at the kennel. Who knew? I thought everyone just worked with the dogs. Nope! Reilly is going to train to be a 'pack leader'. They follow the program of the guy who is the Dog Whisperer... can't think of his name since I haven't watched tv in so long. Anyhoo.... it's very cool, because she only puts the really responsible kids in that spot. Nice! Next Saturday he'll have orientation from 9-2, and then he has to work 6 training shifts before he can actually start working... 3 morning shifts and 3 closing shifts. There's a new crop of 10 high school kids starting together, so that should make it fun. And get this... the fucker is going to make $8 an hour!!!! When I was slingin' pizzas in high school, I only made $3.25!!!

Time to make my way to Target. I don't want to be out too long.... there is a nap in my future!!!! Of course, I want to spend extra special love and hugs to my Mama... I think we all know she has gone way above and beyond her motherly duties. She's done that all of my life, but the last 3 years have been especially difficult for all of us. I know I've told you this before mom, but I sure as hell wouldn't have made it through these horrendous years without your constant love, encouragement and support. I love you!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

I also want to send big smooches to all of my girlfriends... and my aunties too... who have 'mothered' me through this. Bad news for you.... I still need ya!!!

It's beautiful here today... hope it's the same where you are. Enjoy!!!

Much love...

xoxo

Happy Mother's Day Eve!!!

No time to write... gotta hit the hay. My sweet Finn took me out for a scrumdilly dinner to celebrate Mother's Day. He has to work tomorrow... yes, tomorrow. :( Up at 4:30 am.... eeeewwwww! Just wanted to share a couple pics of the spectacular flowers I got from my Dad & Miss Mary the other day. Also, I just put up a new album on Shutterfly... today's soccer game... where Rory scored EIGHT goals... and then a bunch of shots I took in Waterford this morning. There's a bed and breakfast right in the center of town called The Pink House, and they have the most incredible gardens. I stopped to ask if I could take pictures... turns out the new owners are Bay Area natives. Small world!