And then there were tears...

What a shit day. I think I'm fairly depressed. All of this upheaval with Reilly has pretty much sent me reeling. Yes, he has shown significant improvement at home and at school, but it's only been a few days and I still have his phone. I swear... he is a different kid without that fuckin' thing. 


The day was going along as usual... no big surprises. Chris came to hang with Rory & then pick up Rei from practice & take them to dinner. The little kids' mom picked them up at 3... for a whopping 3 hour visit. That had been the plan for a couple days, so I took the opportunity to make myself a hair appointment. I don't know what happened, but the longer I was in the car driving to the salon, the darker my mood became. Full-on funk. Even with all that's happened lately, I haven't actually cried in a while. Weird. Then I'm reclined at the shampoo bowl for a half hour while my color sets, and I start seeing horrendous pictures in my mind. David in his death bead... dead. Everyone weeping over him. His body laid out at the funeral home for me to identify. These aren't images that I routinely flip through. I don't know what the fuck happened. They just kept re-playing... like short clips from movies... and I couldn't make them stop. I started to feel like a war veteran with post-traumatic stress disorder. That wouldn't be out of the realm of possibilty, but why now? Why today? All of these months later... I just don't get it. Still, there were no tears. 


Once I got back to the stylist's chair I checked my phone. I had a few e-mails, one from my dear friend and social worker. I'll tell you what... I did NOT see it coming... she said that there were people in our new parenting support group who are uncomfortable with the way that I express myself, and asked me to refrain from being quite so "colorful" when I speak. She was very sweet & said that I can always express myself however I'd like when I'm with her, but not during group. I wasn't even halfway through the e-mail when I started sobbing. SOBBING. Lovely. I wrote her a quick note back telling her that I'll just skip it, because "if I can't be myself, what's the point?" I feel completely abandoned... left by the side of the road to rot. Do you know the main reason that I have so loved these support groups? Because it was always a place where I COULD express myself...without explanation... free of judgment... and everyone got it. I was especially looking forward to tomorrow's group after the teenaged shit storm of the past week. Oh well. I plan to deliver Rory to his group and then go sit in my car. Good thing I've had a lot of practice doing that. I wonder how many hours... days... I spent sitting alone in my car in the parking lot of that hospital... hmmmm.


Got home, put Rory to bed & then had to go over course selection stuff with Reilly. More tears. That was always David's deaprtment, and I feel woefully inadequate making those decisions. 


I finally laid eyes on my Finn at about 9... laid down to snuggle him and promptly became a heaving, sobbing snot bag. As always, he was incredibly sweet, loving and supportive. Fuck! I just want to move on, but so much of this shit is never going to go away. 


I clearly needed the cry, and I'm thinking I may have even lost a pound. We're talkin' copious amounts of snot. Oh sorry... I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable by expressing myself. So much for a support group... going it alone... again.


S

Fuckin' exhausted... as usual.

Yo peeps... all 2 or 3 of you who actually still read this shit... today was like most of my weekdays of late. I spend the vast majority of my day rotating between the stove, the sink the dishwasher the vacuum and the laundry room... and I never feel like I get a damn thing accomplished!!! The weird thing is that it never used to bother me... I positively reveled in doing all of those mundane household chores that most people hate. It always gave me such pleasure to be a homemaker... I loved it. But now, I always feel like I should be doing more... be doing something else to change my situation. I search for jobs everyday and apply where I can... submitted my resume twice today. I've even started posting things on Craigslist to sell, so it's not like I'm out gallivanting with the ladies who lunch and getting a weekly mani/pedi... but it feels like I'm just running in place... like I'll never actually get anywhere. Case in point... I came home today to discover ANOTHER shut-off notice from NOVEC. Seriously??? I just paid them 500 bucks on SATURDAY!!! So I call the mung wads and yes, that payment WAS applied to my account, but I owe them SO much money that they want another payment by tomorrow or they're shutting off the power. Fuckin assbags. What would I do if I didn't have my mom helping me out??? I'll tell you... I'd be sitting here in the dark, getting fucked 6 ways to Sunday. I also find it pretty amusing, being that they'll only ALLOW you to pay a maximum of 500 bucks at a time.  They just want a reason to assess even more late fees so they can continue to screw me to the wall. Bunch of fuckin cum bubbles. 


I have been wanting to sit still and play with my beading stuff EVERY DAY since last Thursday. I finally got everything out this afternoon. It's been sitting on my bed since about 3. Nope... never got a chance to get my hands on it. Fuck. 


The only good news is that I've been busting ass at the club every morning. :0) If I don't end up lookin' HAWT by the time this 10k is over, I'm gonna be really pissed.


No other news at the moment. Tojo... I'll give you a fabulous piece of advice you've shared with me on numerous occasions: FUCK 'EM IN THE NECK!!!! What douchebags. Wait... are you sure you don't work for NOVEC??? 


Gots to go... 9 pm... must mean it's time for another round of the doggie shuffle and load number 6 of laundry. I know.... you're jealous. :0) 


xoxo
S

Yet another Monday

To answer your question Auntie Nut... NO... it appears that I don't deserve a fuckin' break... EVER! Ugh. So Saturday I REALLY wanted Reilly to be able to attend that lacrosse team BBQ. He really didn't deserve to attend a social funtion, but I WANT him to have the whole experience. But as usual, he made it impossible for me to let him go. The only thing I told him to do that morning, was to call me every 90 minutes to 2 hours and just check in with me. They were committed until 2:30. I gave him ALL DAY... until 2:15, and he NEVER called. Fucker. So I drove my ass over there and picked him up. And again... he refused to take responsibility for his fuck-up. INFURIATING!!! He is convinced that it's ALL me... that I'm just a huge bitch and that I don't want him to do well or participate. Puhhhleeeez. 


As soon as we got home, he asked to have his phone back. Hellloooooo..... cement head.... get a CLUE!!! I think one of the things that is really pissing him off, is that when I give him a warning or dole out punishment for something, I actually stick to it. I follow through.... bummer for him. His dad SUCKED at that. He would make these enormous threats that he couldn't possibly follow through on. When Rei played travel soccer, anytime there was an issue he'd say, "if you don't... whatever... I'm pulling you from soccer and you'll never play again!!!"  or "I'm getting rid of the x-box forever!" or one of my personal faves... "I'll pull you out of school and homeschool you myself!" Hey moron... you can only threaten things that you're actually willing to do. We went round and round about his ridiculous threats more times than I can count. And of course, in his final year, he wanted to appear to be Super Awesome Fun Dad, so he let both of them get away with murder. Thanks assbag.


The yard ape fell asleep after his rough workout. Mom... you'll be very happy to know that I DID wake him up and he joined us for family dinner. He is constantly telling anyone who'l listen that he hates Finn & the kids... he hates our home life... eic. Funny... he was pleasant and happy and sweet at dinner, playing around with all of the kids and generally being very chatty. He's. Gonna. Kill. Me. AAAGGHHHH!!!


On Sunday, he decided that he wasn't 'going to be stuck in the house all day'. Oh really??? And what the FUCK makes you think you'll be out and about playing Social Director with your friends??? Uh, no. I didn't have any pressing errands to do, but I left the house for a while in an attempt to force him to be helpful. I instructed him to help his brother make his leprechaun trap for school, and to make him lunch. Good news, he did great! Until I got home, that is. He came at me wanting his phone again. When I told him that not only would he have to earn it back, but that he'd be earning it a little at a time... i.e.... I'll be removing texting from his plan & I'm going to restrict the numbers that he can call. As you might imagine... that news did NOT go over well. He called me every name in the book, told me that I'm manipulating him, etc. I made sure to tell him that no, I'm not manipulating you... I'm punishing you and expecting you to make changes and earn your privileges back. He NO happy. Boo fuckin' hoo. 


I must really love my Finn or something, because he convinced me that we should take the kids to Chuck E. Cheese's for dinner. It had been pouring rain all day and he wanted to take them to do something fun. Clearly, with my crazy germophobia, that is NOT a place I like to be. Frankly, it scares the shit out of me. But I wanted to do something fun for the kids too, so I agreed. I asked Reilly if he wanted to join us and surprise... he gave me tons of attitude, blah blah blah. In the end, he did go with us and SHOCKER... he had a blast playing games with the kids. Just one more piece of evidence that he does enjoy the kids and he does enjoy doing things as a family. He even spent a lot of his time escorting Jayden around... on his OWN! We didn't ask him to do that. He and I had a very good talk on the way home, so at least we ended the weekend on a high note. What will today bring? I haven't a clue. 


I did get a little bit of good news the other day.... both boys were awarded scholarships to play their sports, so at least I saved that 350 bucks. I'l take it! I also secured a car pool spot for Reilly to come home from practice every night. The only night I'll have to drive will be Fridays. Sweet! I'm still trying to get help for the Tuesday & Thursday morning workouts, as it'll be impossible for me to drive then. I have to leave the house with the little ones at the exact time that Rei is supposed to be at school. Yup... a problem. I also got Rei a ride to and from Cotillion this Saturday. Thank God, as it's the dinner cruise in DC from 6:30-10. 


This Friday is my sweet Finn's birthday. Yes... he'll be all of 31 !!! How CRAZY is that??? He refuses to give me any gift ideas, so instead I've planned a fun adventure day for us on Saturday. I don't think he ever reads this shit, but just in case, I'll keep the deets to myself. :0) 


I applied for a slew of jobs over the weekend and did a lot of research about certification programs I'm interested in attending. It'll be really hard for me to make any of those happen though, as the time commitments all seem to conflict with either drop-off or pick-up school hours, or both. Shit. Time to resume the job search. Have a good one. 


xoxo
S


***FYI... Both Rory and I have surpassed our fundraising goals, but Reilly's page is seriously lacking. Please pass along his website info to anyone who might want to donate. Thanks!
www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/reilly-streight

***Be bold in life.***

***Laugh long and loudly.***

***Remember that your character matters more than your reputation.***

-Instant Karma