Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

31 January 2011

To-do lists BLOW...

Is it just me, or do your to-do lists have a bit of a rollover factor? You know... things you were ABSOLUTELY gonna do, but the first few things took hours longer than they should have, and then you kinda say, fuck it... I'll do it tomorrow? That's where I am today. And to think... I even planned ahead! I drove Reilly to school this morning because I had to hit the DMV. It opens at 8 and there's one right down the street from Woodgrove. I was going there to deal with my expired registration, when the gal behind the desk tells me she can't renew it because I need an inspection. WHAT???? Didn't I already DO that??? Ugh. Luckily, they have a garage right around back, so I took the car back and waited. In the mean time I texted Finn about my frustration. He reminded me that I DID have an inspection when I got my new tires a couple months ago. Cool, right? I even had the receipt and the certificate in the car. I'm thinkin... jackpot!!! So I drive back around, go back in the office and present my certificate. Oopsie doodle.... yes, I need that, but I need something else too. FUCK!!! It turns out that I had gotten the Virginia safety inspection, but I still needed the emissions inspection. Bloody hell!!!! How many fucking pieces of documentation do I need to drive in Virginia without ending up in the pokey???? So yeah... I had to go back to the garage, AGAIN, and wait for an hour. I got to the damn place just after 8 and didn't leave there until 10:45. Infuriating. 


Next stop was the bank. Another 5 minute stop took me a damn hour. I don't even want to get into why it was such a clusterfuck... just know it was a giant pain in my ass. 


Okay, now some good news... I spoke to Ed, my financial guy this morning. I'm going to drop off my loan mod packet tomorrow so he can go over it, and then we have a meeting scheduled for Thursday morning. Even better news??? I booked myself a hair appointment for Wednesday. Thank God. The last time I got my hair done was before Christmas. Trust me, when your hair is as short as mine, that is NO bueno. Can you believe that the selfish dick who does my hair had the temerity to go home to Turkey for a month??? I don't give a fat fuck that he hadn't seen his family in four years.... my hair is FAR more important!!! ALL travel must be approved by MOI! The hair situation is particularly dire right now, because I am getting fatter with each passing moment. Having hair around my face only serves to accentuate my pork!


One scary thing during my conversation with Ed... he said it's probably time to make some "hard decisions".... he's referring to the house. The thing that no one seems to get, is that the boys HAVE to stay in their schools. Shit... so does Leilei... she doesn't need anymore change either. And even though the BEST thing for them is to stay in their home, I'd be willing to move if we could stay within our attendance area. But guess what??? It's not possible to find something cheaper in the Waterford area. It's just not. Trust me. I've done the research. I HAVE to get this loan reduction... I HAVE to find a job that will actually bring in some money, and Finn HAS to find a job that brings in more than he's getting now. No problem, right? FUCK!!!


I had a check cut for my useless attorney... took that estate account down to 75 bucks. :0) Have at it, creditors!!! I still owe them a couple grand on top of what I took out today, but I'm not gonna pay them in a lump sum. (Like I could...) They'll get it when they get it. They have all but ignored me since Eileen left, so they can go piss up a rope. 


Gotta scram for now. I have some things to pull together to drop at Ed's tomorrow. Hope you're having a good day. 


xoxo
S


*Hey Miss Helen.... YES, you are the darling girl who gave me that book. Love you! :0)


***Act with integrity.***
***Facilitate the growth of others.***
***Exercise your soul.***
    -Instant Karma
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30 January 2011

4 peeps in bed... check!



Guess who???? Your favorite pain in the ass, comin' atcha! Would you mind if I gushed over my amazing Finn. YET again??? While I was at Costco, he watched the 3 lil ones, did a bunch of dishes, was on doggie duty, cleaned Jayden & Leilei's bathroom within an inch of it's life, AND got dinner on.... a pot roast with potatoes and carrots and a big side o' corn. Yep... he's a fuckin ROCKSTAR!!! Me luvvvves him HAWWWWWARD!!!!! And then when I thanked him for doing all of that, his response was, "you don't have to thank me, baby." Oh. My. GOD! WHERE did he COME from??? All I can say is, DAYUM!


One teensy sliver of good news... I got a response from my financial guy. He said to call him tomorrow and we'll schedule a meeting for this week. I'm just seriously hoping that he'll be able to help me with all of the loan mod crap. Say a prayer, wish on a star... whatever. I need this to work out. 


The kids are actually excited to get back to school tomorrow... even Reilly. I'm SURE it has more to do with hangin' out with pretty girls than anything else. Whatever works. Last night when he was at his friend's house, the dog woke them up at about 3:30 in the morning. None of them could get back to sleep, so they went sledding... in the middle of the night!!! He said that he's never had more fun in his entire life. Good stuff. :0) Apparently, he was the best version of himself all weekend, as the kid's parents told him he's welcome there anytime. I sure hope they meant it, cuz the kid's got major plans to hang out there whenever he can! The best part? I think it was a much needed break for ALL of us. He came home in a fantastic mood and was genuinely happy to see everyone. It didn't hurt that Rory and Leilei had sent him 'mail'... notes and pictures that they slipped under his door... and Jayden ran into his arms when he walked in the house. 


We've got some good nicknames for the ape, re: his mouse nut. So far, we've got:
Plus One
3 Ball
Tri Ball
and 
Tri Rei ( that one is courtesy of my mother.) 


I'm thinkin Mouse Nut is pretty good too. If you've got a good one, lay it on me. He's been having as much fun with it as we have... definitely makes him feel like it's no big deal... which it isn't. 


That's it for me. Here's another book you might want to take a look at. And by the way... I FINALLY found my copy of Bridge To Forgiveness. :0)







































That's it for me. Sleep tight, nutter butters.
xoxo
S
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Monday's a' comin'.... ugh.

It's been a pretty great weekend... nothing pressing on the books, but got a lot accomplished around the house. Had my Friday evening alone with Finn, and Rei is STILL at his friend's house. Niiiice. It's amazing how calm everything is without Senor Walking Hormone at home. The toddler is more even keeled than he is these days!!! The kids were playing beautifully this morning and we even got to sleep in... not much, but a few extra minutes makes a big difference. I decided I was feeling good enough to tackle some 'scary mail', and figure out what things I positively HAVE to accomplish this week. BAD IDEA!!!! Now I'm completely overwhelmed... AGAIN... and scared shitless. That loan mod paperwork is due by the 10th, so I figured I'd go through it all, one more time, to see what holes I could fill in. Nada! Zip! Zero!!! I swear to God, that shit may as well be written in Chinese. I can't understand ANY of it. Talk about making me feel stupid. They want all kinds of tax documents, proof of income, an itemized monthly budget, this affidavit, that affidavit.... on and on it goes. I know it doesn't sound difficult, but there are all of these extra notations... "if you're in this situation, file form abc red"... if you're in that situation, file form xyz blue"... and don't forget to send us one of your bloody limbs AND your first born.... unless your first born is a boy, then send us a cat. Seriously.... it's all SO convoluted. And the thing that's REALLY funny???? On every single page, it says "We're here to help you." I call BULLSHIT!!!! I've called them a zillion times. I always get a different person and they NEVER have the same answers. Even after they assigned me a 'case manager'... doesn't matter... I can't EVER get that dude on the phone. I can't believe that I'm the ONLY person going through this who doesn't have a fuckin clue how to gather this shit, or what exactly it is that they want. It seems like they make it as difficult as possible, so you miss your deadline and then you're really fucked. 


The only good news is that I've continued to file every document as they've come in. I have a tax folder, an insurance folder, one for each bank, etc... 14 files in all that comprise my death business bag. Gross. I immediately sent an e-mail to my financial guy telling him what's up and that I NEED to see him this week so he can walk me through this paperwork. I didn't hear back from him the last time I reached out, so he'd better fucking call me TOMORROW. And hopefully, the files I've been keeping will provide the info that I need. 


I also just got my first 'claim' against the estate.... a credit card of David's with a $17,000.00 balance. So far, I've just continued to get bills from all of his creditors. This is the first one that sent a document acknowledging his death, and requesting repayment from the estate. Good luck fuckers! There's less than $500.00 left in the estate account, and I'll be withdrawing that tomorrow to apply to my attorney bills. Legal costs and funeral expenses are the ONLY things that I'M authorized to spend that money on. Too bad for you, bozos!!! I just hope they do their investigation and close out the case before there's any payout from SDSI. But there are SO many people after the estate, I'm sure whatever money we get will be completely eaten up. It probably sounds shitty that I want to tell all of these creditors to go screw, but seriously, why should my kids & I be on the hook ? He's DEAD people, and I was NOT a co-borrower on ANY of this shit!!! Call it a loss and go on about your business. I'm sure the credit card companies will be JUST fine. It's not like these are my bills that I'm just trying to make go away... if that's what I wanted to do, I would have filed for bankruptcy by now. 


Also on tap for tomorrow is a trip to the UPS store. There are at least 6 or 7 NEW places that want me to fax David's death certificate. Awesome. I also have a pile of envelopes from companies who have YET to be notified of his death. Those will be some fun calls. And then I guarantee that they'll each want a death certificate too. Just curious.... who dropped the fuckin ball???? This is all shit that my Wills, Trusts & Estates attorney was supposed to handle. I sure as fuck don't want to get in touch and ask though.... they charge me 75 bucks every time they read one of my e-mails!!!!


More fun to be had... a stop at the DMV to deal with my registration. I guess I should call that douchebag dentist and thank him for letting me go. It certainly seems that I wouldn't have the time to work this week anyway. I sure wouldn't mind stopping by there and fire-bombing his office.... dick. 


Off to Costco I go. Many hungry peeps to feed, and they outnumber us... NOT good.  


Later...
S
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