Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

23 January 2011

Going solo is SO not my gig...

We're over at our friend's house... which is BEYOND spectacular, by the way. And when I say 'we', I mean just the boys et moi. Fuck. We found out AFTER K left that Leighanna had an asthma attack last night and another one today. And oopsie doodle... the idiot 'forgot' to bring her child's medication home with her from Pennsylvania. So Finn had to pile the kids in the car and drive to Frederick to refill her prescription. So here I sit... alone. I had a wee panic attack before we left home. It's very hard to explain, but there's a 'widow effect' that surrounds me like a fog. It doesn't even matter that we weren't together. All people know is that I HAD a husband, and now he's dead. Most people steer a WIDE path around me because of that. There are quite a few people here. Most of them don't even know me.... but they KNOW. It's the ol' DH scarlet letters on my sweater... Dead Husband... word travels fast in a rural community like ours. It would be so much easier if I had my Finn by my side. I hate this. I wish I could just go home and come back for the boys later, but methinks that would be pretty rude. Oh well... a couple more hours of feeling WILDLY uncomfortable in my own skin, and I'll finally be able to get the fuck outta here. I wish I could enjoy being in a social situation, but it's just not in the cards. At least not for today.

I say again... Fuck.

S
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I TOLD you she's a jack-ass!

Yep.... 3:30 this afternoon the little ones arrived back home from their mom's. Nice. She didn't even meet us on Friday night until after 7. Don't get me wrong... I luvves my lil peeps and enjoy having them here. However, when they are here, everything is different... mostly because of Jayden. He's only 2 1/2 and is in a SERIOUSLY clingy stage. That means Finn can't really accomplish much while Jayjoe's awake. He's been working CONSTANTLY on that jeep since we got back on Friday night. He's dealing with tools, chemicals, paint... all kinds of nasty shiz that makes it too dangerous for Jayden to be out in the garage with him. And as far as Jayjoe's concerned, if he knows Daddy is outside and is told he CAN'T go out to be with him... ruh roh.... that is NO BUENO!!! Finn was hoping to get the rest of the body painted before they got home. Bummer. Now he won't be able to get back to it until after the kiddo's bed time. Fuck! We wants to SELL that bitch... YESTERDAY!!!
We've been invited over to some friend's for a bonfire tonight... the fam damily with 10 kids. Love them and love a good bonfire, but it's in the teens outside... and the sun is still up!!! I'm hoping they have a really big picture window and that we can all enjoy the bonfire from inside the house. If not... I don't think we'll last 10 minutes. Seriously. It's that cold. Reilly and Rory are both chomping at the bit to get over there. Reilly is super tight with Julia who is a sophomore, and Rory is buds with their kindergartener, Barrett. I hope they can run around like nut jobs for a while and then collapse at bed time. Fingers crossed!!!!
I did a BUNCH of research today on advertiser 'affiliate programs'. These would be the kind of ads where I'd get a percentage of any sale made when the buyer gets to the seller's website through my site. The cool thing is that I get to hand pick the companies that are posted. I chose a  good number of them today, and only selected stores and products that I use and believe in. For example, Old Navy, The Gap, Skechers, Philosophy, Weight Watchers, Apple, etc. There are THOUSANDS of companies listed, so It'll take a while to sift through all of them. Now that my site has been 'approved', I just have to figure out how to funnel the ads directly to it. This is the tricky part for me, as I'm still a computer 'tard. 
I'd better scram... I've got pink dye in my hair & it's past time to rinse it out. I'm SO bummed that it's Sunday... wish we had one more weekend day. :(
xoxo
S
*Feed your soul.*
*Believe you are worthy of the love being showered upon you.*
-Me
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Hmmmmm.... Velllly Intelllllesting...

Howdy... so I'M still figuring out this whole site too. I just learned that there is a spam folder, and sometimes blogger will send one of your comments there, rather than posting it. There were only 2 comments in there though, but I 'unflagged' them which is supposed to help blogger get the memo about what is and isn't spam. I also came across a few comments that I hadn't caught before. Weird! I check on the stupid thing a hundred times a day! I wanted to point out one that Bonnie wrote, since there seem to be so many people having trouble with this damn thing. She said, "I have discovered that if I sign in BEFORE I try to post, my comment goes through the first time. If I'm not signed in, it takes 3 times before it gives me the option to sign in, in order to post." VERY good tip Miss Bon Bon!!! Thanks! One of the other comments I had missed was the one relating to the ads. Yes, you are correct. All you have to do is click on an ad... no need to BUY anything. I'm still doing research, as there are also ads designated as 'pay per view', which means I'd get a hit every time someone reads a post. Now THAT could actually generate some passive income! I also have to tell you Miss Bon Bon, that YOU mean the world to me TOO!!! Along with all of the pain, sadness and destruction cancer has brought, it has also given me many gifts... the most important of which are the friendships that have been re-ignited and are now stronger than ever. I absolutely LOVE that I've gotten to know you so well through our postings, and I love learning all about the girls, Manny, and your everyday lives. And the same goes for ALL of my peeps who post regularly and let me peek in the window of your lives. It's an incredible thing, to bear witness to other human beings journeys on this earth. So thank you for opening yourselves up and sharing. I love it!!!


Speaking of how close I've become to so many friends, new and old, as well as, family that I never had the opportunity to speak to every day.... And seriously, who lives their life publicly like this sharing every minute detail of the day? Anyhoo, the point is that I miss home and all of my Cali peeps more than you could ever imagine. We all know that I'm not exactly rollin' in the dough, and I don't think a trip home is in the cards for this summer. :( But I DO have a proposal.... howz about a KD Reunion on the east coast??? I seem to remember those bitches Beth & Robin promising to come visit, like LAST February. Dirty whores!!! Whatcha doin? Busy living your own lives??? Pffffffftttt! I propose a group trip out east. We could stay here at my house, rent a cabin in the woods or on a lake... whatever. And that shit is CHEAP out here! I know, it sounds like a fairly radical idea, but don't just dismiss it... it could turn into something FAB!!! Seriously think about it, pleeeeez?!?!?!?!


I'm definitely getting bummed by the lack of posted comments. I hope it's just a matter of this site being a pain in the ass, but whatever it is, I MISS you monkeys!!! PLEASE drop me a note!


I guess I'd better hit it. It's 2:50 a.m. Don't aske me why I'm up, cuz I won't tell ya anyway! Boom chicka wow wow....  ;-)


Toodles...
S


***One smile can begin a friendship.***
***See how right you are inside.***
***Speak the right words."
    -Instant Karma
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