Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

02 January 2011

You suck giant donkey balls...

And I mean that in the NICEST possible way. But seriously folks... now up to 987 views and only a measely 14 followers???? Puhllllleeeeeez!!!! You can even make up a fake profile name. Don't worry... Big Brother won't come and getcha because you read my lil ol' blog!!! 


Mamasan safely on the airplane.... kiddos snug in their beds... all of my shiz ready to go for tomorrow... now all I have to do is wait and worry!!! It'll only be the first week or two that'll be rough... lots o' shit to learn... after that, I have NO DOUBT that I'll fuckin' ROCK that bitch. I just hope I don't fuck up too badly in the interim!


My plan is to take the first graders to school, hit the club and THEN go to work. If I actually STICK to that plan, I'll be mighty pleased with myself. I think my Finn is making me a wee bit TOO happy, cuz I'm starting to get a little jiggly again. NOT good.... me NO likey!!! Why can't I be happy AND thin??? What the fuck is THAT about??? It's either fat and happy, or thin and on the verge of eating a bullet. At least my butt still looks good... it's the ol tummy that's showing the pudge. Ugh... gross.  Katy and I have been meeting each other at the club first thing in the morning as often as possible, but it's not enough. I seem to find reasons NOT to go if I know she's not going to be waiting for me. DAMN her for working her arse off to become Northern Virginia's MOST fabulous insurance magnate!!! By the way Miss KK, I need ALL puppy deets IMMEDIATELY!!!! The pictures were positively precious. I would have LOVED to have had  some snuggle time with those wee ones. :0) 


Only 12 hours until I'll be at work... let the thumb twiddling and toe tapping commence. Wish me luck!


xoxo
S

"Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as true strength."
-St. Francis De Sales
Posted by at 1 comment:

Hmmmm....

809 page views so far, and yet only 13 registered followers. Verrrrrry interesting. Get with it peeps!!!

:0)
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And so it begins....

Hey monkeys.... yes, I realize that it's the 2nd, so the New Year actually began yesterday, but my New Year really begins tomorrow. Yep.... starting my job. I'm not feeling much about it at the moment, but I'm fairly certain that I'll be nervous as a tick come tomorrow morning. It's not like I'll be doing neuro surgery... it's just a matter of learning how the office runs and getting comfortable enough so that I don't have to ask questions every 30 seconds.  I have a fairly large desk... forgot to ask if I'm allowed to bring in personal items. It's a pretty stark area, so I'm hoping I can at least have a couple of pics. 


Yesterday was definitely the best New Year's Day in my recent memory. We all stayed in our jammies for the entire day. I never get tired of jammie days. :0) We watched Freaky Friday with the kids... the remake, though I love the original too... everyone took naps... probably the best part of the day for me. Snoozing tangled up with my sweet Finn.... it doesn't get much better than that. I made a ginormous batch of hot crab and artichoke dip. Crab dip is one of Finn's all-time faves and I was hoping he would love it. He did NOT. Boooooo!!!! He liked it, but he's a spicy guy... the hotter the better... and mine is not a spicy recipe. The other problem is that the moron is from Maryland. Why does that matter, you ask? Because these mid-atlantic native bozos have been raised on blue crabs. FYI... blue crabs taste like SHIT!!!! Hellloooooo.... the ONLY acceptable crab is Alaskan King Crab!!! That shit ROCKS!!! I'm sure I'm gettin' your dander up if you're a blue crab lover. Boo fuckin hoo. All I can tell you is that your taste buds are BROKEN if you like that crap. Yep... I said it! Deal with it!!!


The other bonus of the past few days is that the boys have been getting along beautifully. When they don't, it's generally Reilly's fault. That may sound harsh, but it's true. It continues to boggle my mind that with 8 years between them, he regularly finds ways to tease and torture his brother. It doesn't help that Rory is particularly fragile right now... very clingy, often weepy... Reilly sees that and goes right for his jugular. What a butt plug. I'm working really hard to help him through the clingy and weepy episodes.... he needs CONSTANT reassurance that I love him... hugs, kisses, rocking together in his rocking chair, having serious seperation anxiety, etc. The thing I'm trying NOT to indulge though, is the ridonculous case of the whineys he's got right now. I know it's all part of his grieving process, but I don't want him to get into a pattern where that becomes his way of dealing with things. It's alot like dealing with Reilly when he's being a complete asshole. 'My dad died, I'm pissed'.... boo hoo. Again, he needs to be allowed to experience all of the feelings that he's having, but he doesn't get a free pass to be a dick. And lemme tell ya.... it's a fine line to walk. It's fucking exhausting!!! Have I mentioned how desperately I miss my support group???? My girl Laura has talked to Jenny (the social worker who moderates the kids' grief groups) about putting together a support group for the parents through Life With Cancer. Holy fuckballs... that would be FABULOUS. It's so incredibly helaing to learn that you are not alone in your struggle to parent your children through their grief. We've started a little impromptu support group... we share and vent while the kids are in group... but having a moderator would help immensely. 


I think I need to do some planning tonight.... get my ducks in a row as far as meals are concerned, etc. I know I'm not going to be working full-time, but it's still going to be a transition for me. And it kinda blows that I'm starting on the kids' first day back to school. Getting back into that routine always sucks donkey balls on it's own... now I have to add in getting my shiz ready for work. Eew. But hey, I am SUPREMELY thankful that I finally GOT a job, and I'm thrilled that I get to wear scrubs. Professional attire would SO not work for me... pantyhose are against my religion! I think the last time I actually wore hose was when I was in Wendi's wedding. I think that was in November of 1994!!! 


I'm off to Costco to get some groceries for the week. I'm all by my lonesome and I DO love hittin' the Costco on my own. The only thing I would like more, would be to be out and about with my Finn. He makes everything fun... what a goofball. Me luvvvvvves him. :0) Enjoy the last day of break. 


xoxo
S


"Let joy keep you. Reach out your hands and catch it when it runs by". 
-Carl Sandburg


With my birthday boy. :0)
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