Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

02 January 2011

And so it begins....

Hey monkeys.... yes, I realize that it's the 2nd, so the New Year actually began yesterday, but my New Year really begins tomorrow. Yep.... starting my job. I'm not feeling much about it at the moment, but I'm fairly certain that I'll be nervous as a tick come tomorrow morning. It's not like I'll be doing neuro surgery... it's just a matter of learning how the office runs and getting comfortable enough so that I don't have to ask questions every 30 seconds.  I have a fairly large desk... forgot to ask if I'm allowed to bring in personal items. It's a pretty stark area, so I'm hoping I can at least have a couple of pics. 


Yesterday was definitely the best New Year's Day in my recent memory. We all stayed in our jammies for the entire day. I never get tired of jammie days. :0) We watched Freaky Friday with the kids... the remake, though I love the original too... everyone took naps... probably the best part of the day for me. Snoozing tangled up with my sweet Finn.... it doesn't get much better than that. I made a ginormous batch of hot crab and artichoke dip. Crab dip is one of Finn's all-time faves and I was hoping he would love it. He did NOT. Boooooo!!!! He liked it, but he's a spicy guy... the hotter the better... and mine is not a spicy recipe. The other problem is that the moron is from Maryland. Why does that matter, you ask? Because these mid-atlantic native bozos have been raised on blue crabs. FYI... blue crabs taste like SHIT!!!! Hellloooooo.... the ONLY acceptable crab is Alaskan King Crab!!! That shit ROCKS!!! I'm sure I'm gettin' your dander up if you're a blue crab lover. Boo fuckin hoo. All I can tell you is that your taste buds are BROKEN if you like that crap. Yep... I said it! Deal with it!!!


The other bonus of the past few days is that the boys have been getting along beautifully. When they don't, it's generally Reilly's fault. That may sound harsh, but it's true. It continues to boggle my mind that with 8 years between them, he regularly finds ways to tease and torture his brother. It doesn't help that Rory is particularly fragile right now... very clingy, often weepy... Reilly sees that and goes right for his jugular. What a butt plug. I'm working really hard to help him through the clingy and weepy episodes.... he needs CONSTANT reassurance that I love him... hugs, kisses, rocking together in his rocking chair, having serious seperation anxiety, etc. The thing I'm trying NOT to indulge though, is the ridonculous case of the whineys he's got right now. I know it's all part of his grieving process, but I don't want him to get into a pattern where that becomes his way of dealing with things. It's alot like dealing with Reilly when he's being a complete asshole. 'My dad died, I'm pissed'.... boo hoo. Again, he needs to be allowed to experience all of the feelings that he's having, but he doesn't get a free pass to be a dick. And lemme tell ya.... it's a fine line to walk. It's fucking exhausting!!! Have I mentioned how desperately I miss my support group???? My girl Laura has talked to Jenny (the social worker who moderates the kids' grief groups) about putting together a support group for the parents through Life With Cancer. Holy fuckballs... that would be FABULOUS. It's so incredibly helaing to learn that you are not alone in your struggle to parent your children through their grief. We've started a little impromptu support group... we share and vent while the kids are in group... but having a moderator would help immensely. 


I think I need to do some planning tonight.... get my ducks in a row as far as meals are concerned, etc. I know I'm not going to be working full-time, but it's still going to be a transition for me. And it kinda blows that I'm starting on the kids' first day back to school. Getting back into that routine always sucks donkey balls on it's own... now I have to add in getting my shiz ready for work. Eew. But hey, I am SUPREMELY thankful that I finally GOT a job, and I'm thrilled that I get to wear scrubs. Professional attire would SO not work for me... pantyhose are against my religion! I think the last time I actually wore hose was when I was in Wendi's wedding. I think that was in November of 1994!!! 


I'm off to Costco to get some groceries for the week. I'm all by my lonesome and I DO love hittin' the Costco on my own. The only thing I would like more, would be to be out and about with my Finn. He makes everything fun... what a goofball. Me luvvvvvves him. :0) Enjoy the last day of break. 


xoxo
S


"Let joy keep you. Reach out your hands and catch it when it runs by". 
-Carl Sandburg


With my birthday boy. :0)
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01 January 2011

Trying something new.....

Hey noodles. So here's the deal... I'm trying to generate some passive income by monetizing my site. There are all kinds of ways to hook ads into the site, but it's going to take me a while to figure out how to place the ads that I WANT to place, rather than the ones that the computer generates. So PLEASE don't be shocked or horrified by the ads that show up... I just noticed that the first one that was generated for me was for Susan Boyle's album.... eeeeew! I would SO never suggest you buy THAT!!! Clearly,I'm a little slow when it comes to this shiz, so be patient with me. :0) I'm not even entirely sure how it works.... I DO know though, that I'm hooked up to Amazon.com. That means that if you're going to shop for something on Amazon, come to my site first and click on the Amazon link... then I'll get a kick-back if you buy something. Sweet! I certainly won't be getting rich, but every little bit helps. AND, if I can REALLY figure out how to place the correct ads, it WILL actually generate some income. Cross your fingers that I can make it happen!

FYI.... I'm writing this post on my iPad.... Yeah baby!!!! Me LUVVVVVES it!!!

Later gators...
S
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Merry New Year!!!

Hello my little reader monkeys! I hope that you all had a safe and happy New Year's Eve, and trust that none of you are suffering from a case of the Irish Flu today. :0) I had the distinct pleasure of picking Reilly up afetr spending the evening at his friend Megan's house. It was 12:30 a.m., pitch plack on a country road & I didn't know WHERE the fuck the house was. I finally found it & then ended up waiting for the turd for 25 minutes!!! His phone battery had died, and I was in my jammies & robe... no WAY was I knocking on the door!!! We finally got home at about 1:30. Yeash.

Nothing exciting yesterday.... Chris came to hang with the boys at about 12:30 in the afternoon, so that was the cue for Finn et moi to get the HELL outta here! I had NO interest in entertaining that oozing pustule. And poor Finn... Chris seems to think they are old pals or something. When we arrived at the restaurant for Rory's birthday dinner, he glued himself to Finn like a fuckin tick! And even though I tried to very subtly seat him somewhere ELSE, he plopped his ass right next to him at the table. AAAGGGHHH! The poor slob.... he's had a TOTAL of 2 beers the entire time we've been together, and yet he needed 2 to get through the evening sitting next to Chris! Luckily, Finn is a VERY good sport and made the best of it.... listening to Chris' incessant chatter and having to hear about his expert 'knowledge' on every subject under the sun. Good God... what a nightmare. Methinks I may owe him BIG TIME!!!

The dinner was a great success... there were 17 of us in attendance and Rory was VERY happy that so many people were there to celebrate with us. Dinner was yummy & I was pleasantly surprised with the service. Often with such a large group, the service is total shit. But we got lucky! I only wish he had chosen somewhere else to go, as that place is DAMN expensive. Whatever... it was the shmoo's birthday and it's what he wanted.

So during our escape yesterday, Finn & I went to Old Town Frederick to just walk around and explore. Lots of cute shops and a zillion restaurants. Once we were thoroughly frozen like human popsicles, we popped into a pub for a late lunch. They seated us upstairs by the window, so we had a great view for people watching.

Looks like today will be a lazy jammie day. I got all of the fixins to make my FAB hot crab and artichoke dip. Crab dip is one of Finn's all-time faves, so I thought I'd whip up a big batch for us to nosh on today. I haven't made it in YEARS... it's something I always trotted out when entertaining. I hope it's as yummy as I remember!

Had someone come look at the Mercedes yesterday. He's VERY interested, but seriously low-balled me on the price. The bad news is that he REALLY knows that car (shit!) so he could easily pick out every little flaw. We told him we'd think about it. He sent Finn a text this morning saying AGAIN how interested he is. I'm going to let him work his magic & see if he can get the guy to come up a bit on the price. The good news? He's got cash in hand and is ready to buy it TODAY. Say a prayer that we can squeeze a little more out of him.

Time to get busy making the crab dip. I also got the supplies to make some chocolate chocolate chip ice cream for my Finn. We'll see if I can make that happen! Have a lazy day!

xoxo
S
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